Thinking of Staging an Intervention? Here’s What To Do Instead
Recently, a family member reached out to me asking to help someone’s friends and family confront a woman about her excessive spending and alcohol use.
They've each spoken to her individually, which didn’t produce the results they were looking for.
They wanted my help to stage an intervention.
This group decided to talk to the woman as a group to convey how her behaviour impacts everyone (to increase awareness). They also wanted to explain what they'd do if the individual didn’t change (consequences).
The group assumes that the person with the addiction (behaviour that’s chronic and compulsive) is unaware that there's a problem, or she’s in denial about it, therefore being unwilling to seek treatment. The thought is that if the person were simply aware that there was a problem and that their behaviour was impacting others negatively, they’d be willing to fix it. In addition, they think that if people give the addict punishment or consequences, it will further motivate her to change.
Imagine for a moment that your closest friends and family gathered you in a room and told you that you are hurting them and that they'll all be giving you consequences if your behaviour continues.
How would you feel? It would feel awful to know you were hurting the people you care about the most. Even more significantly, it would feel terrible to be ganged up on by everyone you love. One might walk away feeling even more alone and unloved than before.
The basic premise behind the intervention is that a person's behaviour makes the people closest to them feel a certain way they don't like. So, if they shame and humiliate the person with an addiction, then they can bully them into getting help. If this person doesn’t get help, they'll be punished and ostracised from the group.
In short: Interventions won’t work
So, what will work?
An old joke in therapy asks: "How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
The answer: "Only one, but it really has to want to be changed."
Shame isn’t a productive behaviour management tool.
Many of us were raised with authoritarian parents who told us as kids to do what they say, not question it, and rule with shame and blame. Many education and corporate settings also use shame as a management tool. While shaming people will change their behaviour, the change isn’t happening because they want it. There are a lot of harmful consequences for a relationship and the receiver of the shaming. Ultimately, it breeds mistrust and erodes self-worth. Any change made is because they were "forced" to, and the change will often revert back once the fear of disconnection dissipates because it wasn’t the individuals' idea.People have to be ready to change.
We now know that behaviour change needs to come from within for it to last. In addition, when you’re going through hard times and find comfort in addiction, connection, and healthy relationships are the elements that encourage and motivate people to change.
How this happens is a question that has been asked for many years, and it takes a different way of looking at the problem to solve it.
First, let's unpack addiction.
Life is hard, and people find many ways to cope. Generally, we call these numbing behaviours, and they're anything that helps us to feel better with a hit of dopamine and avoid challenging feelings. The thing itself isn’t necessarily a problem. It's about how we use the coping mechanism that’s the problem.
Everyone numbs. Things typically used for numbing include food, exercise, Netflix, gossiping, scrolling social media, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, playing video games, etc. If we use these things chronically and compulsively to get that dopamine hit, then that’s addiction.
This numbing behavior often becomes a problem because they're trying to have a different experience with the coping tools that they have.
Many people have experienced trauma and overwhelming stress. Not everyone developed good coping tools (like sleep routines, proper nutrition, daily exercise, hobbies, knowing their purpose, feeling their feelings, and letting them pass) or had supportive people in their life to talk to.
The problem is that nothing that we use to "take the edge off" that’s outside of us will ever fix what’s inside of us. Only work on ourselves with supportive relationships will heal ourselves.
Next, other people and their behaviour don’t dictate how we feel. It's our thoughts about things that determine how we feel. Some people believe that if the person with the addiction "gets better," improves their coping skills, and heals their pain, the bystanders can feel better.
The reality is that wanting a person with an addiction to change is not for the addict but for the witness.
Watching people we care about struggle is hard. To avoid the discomfort, we try to control them. In reality, we don't control other people's thoughts, feelings, or experiences. They're allowed to make their own choices about their life. In addition, I cannot work harder on a person's problem than they do. They have to meet me halfway. I have done this and watched many people in my life do this, but it doesn’t lead to change in the other person. And it leads to overwork and exhaustion because it will never be enough if the other isn’t as committed as you are.
Another way to look at this topic is to ask yourself, why is this person's addiction a problem?
The simple answer is that we genuinely want the best for the people we care about. At the same time, what’s driving our discomfort? Could it be judgment? What is it about the person's addiction that’s hard for you? What’s keeping you from feeling empathy rather than judgment?
According to Brené Brown, research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks doing worse than we're doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people's choices. If I feel good about my body, I don't make fun of other people's weight or appearance.
We're hard on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.
Many people feel uncomfortable with the uncertainty and chaos that the addiction can create. Therefore, and most importantly, we need to get really clear on boundaries.
Boundaries are about what’s okay and not okay in a relationship.
Boundaries can include a request for others to change, but the real question is, "What am I going to do if the person isn’t able or willing to change?"
Do you need to have a conversation?
Will you limit your time with this person when they're in active addiction?
Are you inadvertently enabling the behavior by not letting them feel the consequences of their actions? For example, do you lend them money when they've gambled it away or purchased drugs or alcohol?
The hardest part of this process is watching people suffer due to their problem behavior. But people change when they're uncomfortable, so let people feel the natural, logical consequences. If they ask for your help financially, say no and ask them to get therapy. Only when you see people making positive changes should you reward them with assistance. Otherwise, you’re rewarding the unwanted behavior.
This journey isn’t easy, so reach out to a helping professional for support. Most people think that the one with the problem needs the therapy. But if they're not ready to change, family and friends can greatly influence the person once they have the knowledge and skills to do so.
Remember, addiction and problematic behavior are often the result of trauma and underdeveloped coping skills. Strong, boundaried relationships are key to supporting people who are struggling. The most boundaried of us can be the most generous. And at the end of the day, people are allowed to choose their own journey, even if it's not the journey we’d choose for them.
Our job is to do everything we can for them within our capacity and ability, let them do what they will, and manage our discomfort around their choices.
If you want to learn more about these skills, join me in an upcoming workshop or get in touch.
