Redefining Holiday Happiness: How to Create a Calm and Comforting Christmas Season

“It’s not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” - Mother Teresa

Remembrance Day has passed, and all the stores are now playing Christmas carols. All I can think of now is, “It's almost Christmas!”

I haven’t started my Christmas shopping, baking, or party planning, and I’m beginning to feel overwhelmed.

In the past, I've hosted a Christmas party every weekend for a total of five family and staff parties. I’ve done all the gift shopping and wrapping, baking and meal making, card writing, and Christmas break vacation planning. I’m often left sleep-deprived and resentful, but I feel momentary joy when I see that others are happy. 

Why do we do this to ourselves? Surely, I’m not the only one.

Here are some of the thoughts that drive my behavior. Can you resonate with any of them?

Thought #1: I have to make all the food from scratch, get everyone the best presents ever, can’t spend too much money, have to host all the holiday parties, attend all the holiday parties, and write all the Christmas cards to everyone by hand. 

Thought #2: I have to look amazing. I can’t show my feelings when I’m mad, angry, resentful, disappointed, or tired, have to decorate the house and yard, get matching pajamas for everyone, take a holiday Christmas photo in said pajamas, have to plan a ski trip and vacation, must plan every minute of the kids' break with creative ideas as to limit screen time. 

All of this is important to me because my core belief about the holidays, and many things, is that everyone’s happiness depends on me. 

There are some inherent flaws in this line of holiday thinking. 

First, I don't control other people’s thoughts and feelings. It doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do — people have a filter that they see the world through that has nothing to do with me. And second, I don’t have that much power. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could control the outcome of every situation I’m in? 

Our brain likes to tell us that we can feel safe. 

Lastly, if I'm everything to everyone and do everything for everyone, only then will I be worthy of love and belonging. It’s a mind trick. 

Here’s the thing…I’m already worthy of love and belonging, just as I am. I don’t have to prove it or hustle for my worthiness.

When I start to think of all the things I need to be and do, my excitement for the season turns to overwhelm and resentment. I then start to panic, plan too much, think about what everyone else wants, ignore what I want, make lots of assumptions, don’t ask questions, plan around traditions the way they’ve always been done, not my wants and needs, buy too much, do too much, and avoid trying new ways of doing things.

The result each holiday season is that I feel exhausted, resentful, broke, and unhappy. Not a great start to the new year.

I’m not sure that this was the intention for this season. After all, it’s called a “holiday,” and holidays are supposed to be fun! This year will be different, and if you want yours to be different, too, I invite you to join me in planning ahead.

Ask yourself this question: “How do I want this holiday season to feel?” 

I want mine to feel calm, relaxed, and fun.

So, what mindset must I be in to create that reality? “I’m responsible for everyone’s happiness,” certainly is not it. Here are some alternatives:

If it was my ideal holiday, it helps to remember that:

• People in my life want me to have fun and be in a good mood, too

• Most people don’t notice all the extras,

• Less is more

• If I bring it out, I have to put it back (Ex. decorations)

• Spend my time on my priorities, and I’ll have to let go of some things

• Keep it simple. Grandma used to appreciate an orange in a stocking and one good meal.

• Create memories by connecting and doing things in meaningful ways, not having things

• Think about new traditions I want to share with my kids

• Create a Christmas bucket list with family so everyone has input

• Remember that I don’t have to do it all for Christmas to be great

With these new thoughts that I will practice, the holidays won’t take over my life. I'll delegate and give responsibility back to each family member — share the work and rewards, and do less. 

Being responsible for everyone’s happiness is a thought that won’t go away overnight, but now that I’m aware of it, I can catch myself faster when it creeps in.

The result will be a more enjoyable holiday, my family will enjoy the season, everyone one gets to do what’s most important to them, and learn constraint — just because we can doesn’t mean we should. We'll leave time and energy for the spontaneous and I won’t have to pretend that I’m having fun when I really just want to go back to bed.

I hope the weeks leading up to the holidays are full of new traditions and that you're able to prioritize your health and happiness so that you're at least as important as other people. 

Let me know if you need help prioritizing, setting boundaries, or being okay with people’s feelings about it. Get in touch.