7 Therapist-Approved Tips To Support Your Child in Their Activity
It’s great to get kids involved in things. It helps get them off their screens, gives them an opportunity to try something new, builds frustration tolerance, gives them the ability to learn from failure, and gives them a chance to learn all sorts of incredible life skills.
As a kid, I loved music, so I taught myself how to play the piano and later took formal lessons, played softball, danced, took swimming, skating, and skiing lessons, participated in the debate and environment clubs, and learned to golf. I did many things, but the only thing I was actually good at was music. Learning to do a variety of things gave me the confidence to try anything.
Life is more fun when you’ll try just about anything.
Later in life, I learned to scuba dive, live in foreign countries, and eventually start my own business. On top of that, life is more exciting because there are few things I won’t attempt. I don’t let worrying about what people think or looking foolish stop me. In fact, I embrace it and have fun with the foolishness!
I work with many adults who aren’t loving their lives despite having everything they've worked for or transitioning to retirement but not knowing what they like to do besides work. Hobbies and interests outside of work are the spice that makes life interesting, and who doesn’t want more joy? Because learning new things is a vulnerable process, we need to practice learning new things for our whole life — and yes, it's a skill!
What often holds people back — perfectionism.
One thing that commonly holds people back, whether young or old, is perfectionism. Our brains are worried about being judged and thus being perceived as incompetent because we don’t want other people to dislike us. We think that if people approve of our skills, they’ll want us around. However, that’s the difference between just fitting and truly belonging.
Fitting in is where we behave in ways we think other people want us to. We don’t really know, and this is based on assumptions. The problem with attempting to fit in is that your behaviour is inconsistent.
However, true belonging requires grounded confidence, recognizing that we’re worthy of love and belonging simply because we're born.
We know who we are and think more about the types of people that we want to be around and how they treat us rather than worrying about what they think of us.
Spoiler alert: you don’t control other people’s thoughts, feelings or experiences.
Our brain worries about what other people think because, in primitive times, being part of a group ensured our survival. Now, this isn’t a problem, so we get the opportunity to choose the people we trust and want to spend time with.
When we think about putting our kids in activities, we have to ask ourselves why we’re doing it.
How do we want this experience to enhance our child’s life? Not just in the long term but also right now.
What is your child interested in? If they’re not sure, get out and try a bunch of things.
Participating in extracurricular activities is non-negotiable in my world, and video games don’t count. Activities outside of school create friendships and skills they’ll use their whole lives. In addition, it will give them the experience and knowing that they can do hard and new things.
They’ll learn how to be persistent and patient (delayed gratification) and manage their time, energy, and emotions to be able to do things even when they don’t feel like it. And how many of us struggle with doing something we don’t want to do even though it's good for us? We call this skill self-discipline or restraint, and it’s important for maintaining an emotionally and physically healthy lifestyle.
One thing to be careful of is knowing the coach or trainer and their training philosophy. Not everyone is knowledgeable about training methods that enhance the child’s mind, spirit, and body. Often, results are the ultimate goal.
When working with kids, results are a by-product of a happy, healthy, prepared, and engaged child.
I prefer to consider all the other life goals, like making friends, doing something fun, getting some exercise or experience, and working through challenges. If your coach isn’t in line with these goals, chat with them. If they’re still using methods that are mean or too intense, it's time to find a new coach or switch activities. Coaches should be kind, patient, and supportive. I've worked with a lot of high-performance athletes, and the biggest reason their performance suffers is the negative coaching experiences they've had in the past.
One way I'll handle this is to stay and watch practice or training as often as possible. When I’m more involved, this will either help the coach be on their best behaviour, or I'll see exactly what’s going on so that I can make a good decision about what to do. Sometimes, I'll notice the “vibe” before my child says anything, and then we can talk about how they’re feeling.
While it's helpful to work through difficulties when they arise in activities, a power struggle between a child and a coach isn’t one they’ll ever win. Taking them out of the situation will be best if it impacts them negatively. In addition, if your child is in unsafe situations or training, that’s another deal breaker.
I know many children who participate in sports that overtrain them to the point where they’re always healing from an injury. This is normalized in a few sports, but let me assure you, this is never a normal or appropriate way to train children.
So, what can you do as a parent to be the best version of yourself for your child?
I've supported my kids in many different activities and have been far from perfect, but I've learned a lot along the way. Here are my best takeaways:
Bring the calm.
Whether it’s a piano recital, an art show, or a soccer game, kids get nervous. Even though you’ll be nervous for them, they need you to be their rock. Kids activities are supposed to be fun, so try to keep this in mind.Your kid’s performance is not a reflection of your parenting.
You’re not responsible for your child’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. You’re responsible for teaching and mentoring them. Many parents take their kids' wins and losses personally, but that’s not helpful.Bring the support.
A flawless performance isn’t the goal. Learning from mistakes, doing better than you did last time, doing one thing well, and celebrating success are high on my list of things to focus on.Show interest in the performance and use positive body language.
Many kids fear being judged, and they can feel it from the sidelines. I've watched people fold their arms, scowl, and even yell at the ref, coach, or player during games and performances. This is far from helpful. I get it because I’m into the game and performance just as much as the participants sometimes, but we have to remember that we’re not watching a professional sporting match on TV. We need to keep our faces and words neutral and only comment if it's positive. I’m still working on this because I care so much, but doing nothing is better than being negative. Ultimately, distracting the athlete or performer with negativity will have the opposite impact that you want it to have.Let the coach be the coach.
We’ll often see things from the sideline that the coaches or refs don’t because they are not perfect, either. Sometimes things will go your way, and other times they won’t. It all evens out in the end. This is a great opportunity to teach your kids to respectfully disagree and accept a disappointing answer if it doesn’t go their way. Do you think Conner McDavid (NHL) or Stephen Curry (NBA) let a bad call destroy the rest of their game or day? The best athletes have learned how to feel their feelings and quickly reset when facing a setback. They use that energy to enhance their performance, not get them down.
Be the soft place to fall after the game.
Win or lose, they just did something hard. Be proud that they did something hard and tried their best. Celebrate the small wins. Get them flowers, an ice cream, or a card to reinforce that some days, just showing up is a win!
Ask them if they want your advice.
Unsolicited advice feels like criticism. However, keep your best ideas handy because sometimes they want to hear them. Right after the game is often not a good time, but later in the day or sometime before the next one, they might appreciate it. It took my youngest about 10 years to welcome my advice, so I know what it’s like to practically bite your own tongue off as you try to hold it in. Also, there are times when my kids don’t appreciate what I have to say.
My opinion is only an option, and in the end, they need to do their own experiments to see what works and what doesn’t. I'll never say, “I told you so,” as that will push them away, but I'll gently say, “Would you like to try this?” when the opportunity presents itself. We are teaching them life lessons here, so sometimes less is more when it comes to advice.
Parenting isn’t easy, especially when our kids are doing hard things.
Being uncomfortable and afraid is inevitable in life. We can feel that way and be brave all at the same time. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is an important life lesson! We call this vulnerability, which is the birthplace of love, joy, and risk-taking. Managing our own emotions as parents is fundamental so that we don’t get in the way of our kids' opportunity to be their best.
Play the long game, appreciate who they are, and they’ll turn out to be wonderful, joyful people!
P.S. The proof that these things work is that my kids have participated in several provincial and national sports and won several provincial competitions. Recently, my youngest won a gold medal in a provincial fencing competition, and my oldest just played a gold medal game tonight in volleyball.
Do you or an athlete you know need support?
I work with teams and individual athletes to improve their mindset and, ultimately, their performance. Get in touch.
