Are You Actually Selfish or Just Feeling That Way? How To Spot the Difference.

What stops you from doing the things you want to do? Say you want to go on a trip with friends, attend a workshop, or visit the spa.

And almost immediately, you stop yourself out of guilt. 

Have you ever paused to examine why purchases like this bring up feelings of guilt?

Let's look at this from another angle.

Imagine you're considering investing $5,000 in therapy for yourself this year. 

• What's the first thought that comes up for you? 

• Do you think that's a lot of money you can't afford? 

• Do you believe that therapy isn't a priority for you right now? 

• That your needs aren't as important as other members of your family? 

• Would it make a difference if your anger or grief impacted the people around you?

Now, imagine yourself going for it and committing to therapy.

• How would that feel in your body? 

• Would you feel it in your chest? Stomach? Shoulders?

• What emotion would you say that body sensation feels like? Anxiety? Stress? Guilt?

• And then what would you do after noticing the discomfort? 

• Would you change your mind? 

• Get into an argument about something else to discharge the pain?

What, then, would the result be? 

Would you get the help you needed, or would you sabotage the decision? 

Would you commit to resolving the problems in your life, or would you keep avoiding them?

I realize there are a lot of questions. And they're important. I have these conversations with clients.

👉 In the end, regardless of what you decide, your thoughts about being selfish impact the result that you create in your life. 

In our society, women especially are taught that our job is to make other people happy and that we need to give everything we have to others. 

Worse, when we consider investing in ourselves, we're told we're selfish. We also don't have many role models for women who balance themselves, their families, and their work. 

If we notice someone going against the grain and investing in themselves, we secretly and not so secretly judge them. 

This is a problem. 

It's causing women to burn out at record rates because it's not possible to continuously make withdrawals from our emotional and physical bank accounts without putting in deposits. 

In addition to this being a culture issue, it's also a self-worth issue. What if you were worthy of investment? We need to remind ourselves that we are just as important as everyone else in our lives. In fact, the people in our lives who see us burning out want nothing more than for us to take care of ourselves.

Let's flip the script. What if your child needed braces? What if you needed to fix your car or

wanted a new couch for your living room? Does $5K seem doable? Ask yourself why spending $5K on something that benefits others but not just for you would be easier.

The next part of this process is to ask yourself how you want to feel. 

How will getting therapy help you feel that way?

How will going on the trip help you feel that way?

How will getting the shoes help you feel that way?

When I think about investing in a self-development workshop that I'd like to attend, I want to feel confident in the decision.

Now, I need to think about the thoughts that will help me be confident in my decision. I’ll

need to consider things like…

• "I have some issues I'd like to address, and I think this workshop will help."

• "I'm not sure if this workshop will solve my problems, but I’ll know more after it than I do now.”

• “I’ll meet some other people who can walk on this journey with me.” 

• “I’ll get to know a facilitator who could be helpful to me." 

• "I work hard and am the best mom, wife, employee that I can be, and I need to take care of myself/wants/needs/desires too."

These types of thoughts won't completely take away the uncertain feelings, but they will help me feel more confident in my decision. This will then cause me to follow through and commit wholeheartedly so that I can get the most out of my experience.

The result would be making progress on the issues that are holding me back, creating a community of support and greater confidence to invest in myself in the future. The unintended result would be that I would model what taking care of myself looks like for my kids and friends and hopefully inspire them to do it, too!

Let’s explore the question: what’s the difference between feeling selfish and being selfish? 

The action may look the same, but the intention is vastly different. 

Being selfish is doing something despite the impact on other people. 

Feeling selfish results from a thought, and the impact on others is perceived, not necessarily real. Even if there’s an impact on others, the effect is weighted against the benefit to the individual, and an attempt to mitigate impacts is considered.

For example, if I decide to go to a four-day workshop, my husband and children will need to fill the void of my absence. When considering this implication for them, I also consider how often I go out of my way to help them out in a week/month/year. The answer is…A LOT.

Therefore, a few days of added workload is repaying me for, let's face it, years of doing what I can to make their lives easier and happier.

A healthy relationship is a function of how well it meets the needs of the people involved. If I'm only giving and never receiving, the relationship is not mutually beneficial. I'm not teaching the others involved how to take care of me like I take care of them. These are important life skills.

I also don't want my children to grow up thinking that this is the role that women play in society.

Being selfish is not caring about people around us, and feeling selfish is a byproduct of how we were raised and/or socialized. 

Just because we feel selfish and therefore guilty doesn't mean we’re actually being selfish. Do some digging to determine what's really true for you when you feel guilty about investing in yourself. 

Think of ways that you can invest in yourself this week!