Giving Feedback: Key Questions To Ask and How To Make It Useful

Many leaders overlook the importance of feedback. 

Learning to balance the skills of both giving and receiving feedback will help make you a more effective leader.

Of course, we want our feedback to have a purpose and be useful.

Before you share feedback with someone, I suggest running through these questions: 

1. What's your intention in offering feedback? To give information?

2. Are you clear about what you want to say?

3. Why are you giving feedback? Is it part of your job? Code of ethics? Values? 

4. What outcome do you have in mind? Do you want the other person to change? Do you want someone to have information they didn't have before?

5. Check in with yourself. Are you making up a story about the situation? Do you have feelings that could interfere with the conversation? Do your work to figure out why this is bothering you so much. Are you coming from a place where you want to solve the problem together? Are you able to stay curious, knowing that we often don't know the whole story?  

6. Are you able to set boundaries if needed? Are you willing to let the other choose what to do with the information you give them, even if it's not what you'd prefer them to do? Can you hold them accountable and set boundaries?

Then, when you share feedback, what will you do next?

Give info and walk away?

Give details and support their decision-making process?

Give info and hold them accountable or set boundaries?

Disagreement is different from conflict.

Keep in mind that it’s okay to see things differently than others. Agreeing — or disagreeing shouldn’t be a problem. Conflict comes when we make the difference mean something about us or the other person, and we have feelings about it. 

Our ideas and actions are a reflection of us, but they don't have to define us. 

Being open-minded and flexible are helpful mindsets to help us during difficult conversations.

These two quotes from Adam Grant some this idea up beautifully: 

"Your ideas are not your identity." Adam Grant

"If somebody sees an idea, or an opportunity, or forms an opinion that is different from mine, I should say, This is an interesting opportunity to learn something from someone who sees things differently from me, and I wonder if they know something I don't." – Adam Grant

So, if we know feedback is helpful, why do we avoid giving it?

We often avoid telling people what we want them to know because we don't want to hurt people's feelings. 

This idea is based on the assumption that other people will feel the way we would feel if we got the same information. We don't know this for sure. Something that bothers me may not bother someone else. It also assumes that we impact other people's feelings. As much as we're told otherwise, other people's thoughts determine other people's feelings. We may give someone information that we think is completely innocent, and they have a big reaction to it, just like we may give them what we perceive as hard information, and it may not mean much to them. 

We avoid sharing feedback because we don't want to be uncomfortable.  

Sharing feedback requires us to be brave and vulnerable at the same time. I've recently heard the term "barf and go" when doing difficult things. Feel free to try that phrase if you think it will help you. We also have to be open to our feelings and keep the defensive walls down in order to have the most productive interaction possible.  

We avoid giving feedback because we worry about getting some in return. 

If that's the case, visit the blog on receiving feedback. Be open to giving your perspective, apologizing for wrongdoing, and making amends. At the same time, remember your conversation goal, and don't get derailed from it. If things get heated, take a time out and circle back in 20 min or an hour to finish the conversation.

We avoid giving feedback because we’re concerned with being unhelpful or offloading hurt.

We've all been on the receiving end of people who aren’t skilled at giving feedback. We’ve been those people, too. It happens. It's normal for our brain to get defensive and hurt people who hurt us when we feel shame. Offloading our hurt onto others is not helpful and is not okay. 

Our thoughts and feelings are for us to manage, not for others to deal with. 

Just like we don't cause the feelings of others, they don't cause our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If you find yourself getting hooked by emotion, take a break, take some deep breaths, and manage your thoughts.  

Sharing feedback with kids requires a more nurturing approach. 

When talking to children and teens, they often don’t yet have the skills to manage their own minds. The adults in their lives are responsible, nurturing, loving, and caring for them. The skills I'm discussing here are when we have conversations with adults. When talking to kids, we need to pay special attention to what we say and how we say it. Done poorly, feedback can have lasting consequences on children's health and well-being. Done well, it can be a good example of having hard conversations and holding space for big feelings. These life-long skills are important to learn.

Giving feedback and offloading hurt have vastly different intentions and are often confused. The next time you want to give someone some information, make sure you have done some prework, managed your mind, and be prepared for defensiveness. A calm, clear conversation will give this interaction the best chance for success! And remember, you could be planting a seed for the future.