When’s the Best Time To Have a Hard Conversation?
Not having hard conversations and giving honest, productive feedback are the number one things that get in the way of people being more successful at work.
If we're not having tough conversations at work, then how's it going at home? From my personal and professional experience as a psychologist, it's not happening at home either.
This article will explore what makes tough conversations easier and how it's more about timing and intention than about what we say.
I didn’t grow up with family members who talked about hard things. In my authoritarian household, I was told what to do and was expected to "behave." Asking questions — was out of the question.
The message: not only do we not talk about problems amongst ourselves — we certainly don't talk about them with other people. It was almost as if talking about the problem made it a problem, and ignoring it meant nothing was wrong. I can tell you how that worked out, and it didn't work out very well.
People would be secretly unhappy and frustrated, then small things would happen, and they’d overreact. Then, everything would get swept under the rug again, and the cycle would continue.
Read more about the problem with unclear communication in this article from Brené Brown — Clear Is Kind. Unclear Is Unkind.
This pattern of not addressing issues leads to mental health problems and unhealthy coping.
Ultimately, relationships are eroded, and once I moved out of the house as a teenager, I never looked back.
I want to do things differently with my children, and I've worked hard to teach my kids what I wasn't taught. I also don't have a frame of reference for how this works. I’m learning as I go, and here's what I've learned along the way.
Here are the three things that Brené Brown's research has shown are the consequences of not having hard conversations or tapping out when it gets too hard:
Diminished trust and engagement
Increased problematic behavior, including passive-aggressive behavior, talking behind people's backs, pervasive backchannel communication (or "the meeting after the meeting"), gossip, and the "dirty yes" (when I say yes to your face and then go behind your back); and
Decreased performance due to lack of clarity around a shared purpose.
While this research was done on people at work, I’ve also seen this happen at home.
Clear communication is kind communication — at home and at the office.
One concept that changes the way people interact with each other is that clear is kind. Unclear is unkind. Not telling people how you really feel or beating around the bush is about making ourselves feel more comfortable. It's actually inconsiderate.
Not being clear about our expectations of our kids or spouse and then holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind.
Consider tough conversations “rumbles.”
Brené describes them as "a discussion, conversation, or meeting defined by a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts, and, as psychologist Harriet Lerner teaches, “to listen with the same passion with which we want to be heard."
Show up to challenging conversations calmly, with a curious mind, and with the intention of building a connection.
We need to have open hearts and minds and try to keep our defensive armor off so that we can have a productive, kind, and respectful conversation.
With kids and sometimes spouses, I like to wait for a suitable moment. It's normal and natural for us to become defensive when people give us constructive feedback or we perceive they’re criticizing us. I find people are this way most of the time unless they’ve learned the skill of receiving feedback. So, I like to have patience and not have hard conversations in the heat of an exchange or when someone is hungry or tired. I prefer to wait until I can take advantage of a calm moment or the other person asks a question and opens a door.
Use your powers of discernment to decide if you should talk now or wait. It might depend on whether this is an ongoing or recurring issue that needs to be taken care of or if it can wait but will need to be addressed at some point.
With my kids, I often wait until we’re in the car when they’re having trouble opening up a more extensive conversation. Keep in mind that kids can be like cats, so be aware of them shutting off or shutting down. They may only be able to handle a little at a time. You’ll know if you can keep going if they ask questions or add to the conversation. I like to call these times "teachable moments."
For example, if I’ve had a call from the school saying that my daughter has gotten into trouble for arguing with her friends during a math lesson, I’ll ask her how her day went and then specifically how things are going with her friends. If she tells me all about it, great! If not, I can relay the information I was given and get curious about her side of the story.
Remember to remain calm. Then, I can ask her what she learned from the experience, and I can add some suggestions to the mix. If she's blaming the other person and not taking any accountability, I can address that by saying that usually there’s another side and ask her to consider how could the other person perceive the situation. The odd time, things can happen that seem unprovoked, and then we can talk about boundaries, what's okay and not okay. For the most part, I like to leave it as a last resort and try to help the child open to the possibility that they had a part to play.
Other times, I wait until they ask a question. On a drive to piano lessons, my daughter talked to me about her friend's romantic relationships, so I took that opportunity to ask more about her thoughts and feelings about romance. She let me know that romance wasn’t in her future, now or ever (I didn't react; we all know that kids can change their minds), but she did say that moving to a new school next year might give her more opportunities for friendships.
Parenting is about playing the long game, and my goal in both of these examples was to build trust. It's important to me that they feel comfortable talking about "small" things now so that they can talk about life-changing stuff with me in the future, like parties and sex.
I use these concepts in my marriage as well. I prefer to talk to my husband instead of about my husband. It's not always easy to talk out our differences, especially being raised in households that don't talk about hard things. Still, we take breaks and circle back and are persistent in understanding each other's viewpoints, even if we don't agree. If necessary, we can then negotiate a compromise, which gives us both as much of what we want as possible. The bottom line is that we may have different goals and ways of doing things, but we love each other, want to stay together, and ultimately want to make each other happy.
When we sweep things under the rug and don't have hard conversations, the problems stack up like a pile of old papers.
The issues never go away, and they fester. Addressing things in a timely manner helps us resolve the issues we're having so that they don't get in our way in the future, and we can get back to having fun and enjoying each other's company.
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