A Healthy Alternative To Empty Threats — Boundaries, Integrity, and Generosity
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you’re around behaviour that you don't want to be around, but you don't know what else to do? Like…
Your kids are fighting in the backseat of the car
Someone is gossiping about someone you know
A guest has had too much to drink at your party and is acting like a jerk
When I was young, making threats was a common parenting technique.
I often heard, "Stop that, or you'll be grounded for a month."
As a psychology intern, I’d hear couples threaten each other. "If you don't change, then I'll leave."
The problem with threats is that we expect the other person to take them seriously, even when they’re ridiculously harsh or we never intend to follow through with action.
Most of us never intend to follow through on threats.
Definition: Oxford languages: A threat is "a statement of an intention to inflict pain, injury, damage, or other hostile action on someone in retribution for something done or not done."
Let’s look closer at why we turn to threats.
Circumstance: someone is doing something.
Thought: why are they behaving this way? Don't be like that. If I take action, they’ll be upset and not love/like me. I don't want to make them mad. I’d rather be mad than upset them. Their feelings are more important than mine. I can be put out, but I can't impose on other people. They should know what I want and want to make me happy.
Body: heavy chest, heart racing.
Feeling: anger, frustration, desperation, exasperation
Action: threats — if you do that one more time, I will… Then, we don't take action.
Result: get mad when the request is met with talking louder, yelling, more threats and frustration, reinforcing unwanted behavior. The behavior continues, we feel disrespected and out of control, angry, and might label the other person as “bad.”
Threats are knee-jerk reactions to anger and frustration.
Threats often aren’t thought through and can be quite unrealistic. Typically, the threatened punishment doesn’t fit the crime.
Rather, the threat matches our level of frustration.
Many of us aren’t taught how to set boundaries effectively, so we end up putting up with behavior that we don't want to be around for far too long and feel resentment. We typically will not address the behavior until we’ve had enough, and then we go from "stop it" to "get out of my house" in 0.8 seconds.
We don't want to take action on the threat, but we also want the behavior to stop. Problem is, we don't have other tools in our toolbox to make it happen.
In the past, our parents or grandparents might have used a wooden spoon for a spanking. In this case, behaviour changes quickly but leaves lasting harm. We know not to hit people, but threats can be effective when we haven’t figured out an alternative.
Over time, threats lose their impact when there’s no follow-through. The receiver won't believe you.
When we make a request without following through, we create a condition called negative reinforcement. This means that the threat stops when the intended target says the right thing, like "Okay," "I'll do it in a minute," or "I'll change." This is where threats fall short.
When there’s no follow-up or follow-through, we’ve inadvertently taught the other person that what we say doesn't matter and that there are no consequences for ignoring the request.
If we’re being asked to do things we don't want to do, like get ready for bed, do our homework, or meet a deadline at work, our brains will protest and likely procrastinate.
Therefore, a call to action or a request isn’t enough. The consequence needs to be logical and swift. For example, if a parent asks their child to brush their teeth before bed, the parent will have to either watch or go and check. If you request a partner not to yell at you, instead of "If you do that one more time, I'll leave" for the hundredth time, then you need to follow through now and perhaps modify the threat to a request and consequence you would follow through on.
I learned how to fine-tune my requests and follow-through skills when I took lessons on how to work with horses. Since horses communicate mostly through proximity to others and body language, I got to tap into my non-verbal skillset.
We tend to use our words most often, but many more tools in our toolbox can help us get our point across.
One thing I’m proud of is that I learned how to set good boundaries and follow through in parenting from my years as a teacher. We put a lot of work into our kids in the first handful of years, and because we consistently followed through, as time went on, we needed to follow through less and less because our kids believed we would take action when we made requests.
Every once in a while, they would test it, and then we would take action, but in the last ten years or so, our kids do what we ask 99% of the time. It’s an amazing feeling to have people in your life who have that level of respect for you. This works in all relationships, too, and people start to see you as reliable as you do what you say you're going to do.
An alternative to threats is to live with BIG boundaries, integrity, and generosity.
Let’s look at the example again with intentional thoughts.
Circumstance: someone is doing something
Thought: this is annoying but I know what to do. It’s normal for kids/pets/people to be this way. I can set a boundary. Their behavior does not control my feelings. I can do this. Setting boundaries is the kindest thing I can do in the long run. There will be less yelling/frustration/threats if I’m clear and follow through. Clear is kind.
Feeling: In control, confident, calm
Action: make a request, follow through with action/inaction, do thought work.
Result: I am not around behaviour I don't want to be around.
Exploring Big Boundaries in Place of Threats
Boundaries include making a request and committing to action if the request is not adhered to.
Unlike a threat, the action is intentional and doable. It may take a lot of repetition at first, but subsequent lessons will be less work. However, if you stop following through, then you have taught the opposite lesson, to ignore you, and it will take longer, but not impossible, to teach the next lesson.
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