The One Thing That Was a Game-Changer in My Burnout Journey
When I started burning out in a new career in my early 40s, I talked to lots of people and tried many different things, from starting my day with an intention to getting more organized. I quickly realized that adding things to my to-do list wasn’t helping. It was actually leading me to feel bad when I couldn't get through my entire list.
Here, I’ll explain what worked. There wasn’t a single industry expert that shared anything that helped. I figured it out on my own.
I was in burnout because I had high expectations of myself, and failure wasn't an option.
There was this version of myself in my head that I wanted other people to see and experience and anything that didn't fit with this ideal would be shoved aside. I also had ideas about who a non-profit executive director was, and I also tried to live up to those ideals. My kids were 4 and 6 years old when I started my new role, and there was lots of parenting still to do.
My mom had recently passed away, so the role of becoming Grandma's caregiver and power of attorney was also on my plate. I hosted a handful of work and family Christmas parties a year and rarely said "no." I was competitive in dressage at the time, so I rode my horse several times a week. I had a regular parenting column on CBC radio and did everything in the business, from washing floors to training board members. I was simply trying to live up to my perception of everyone else's expectations.
I didn't want to burden anyone, so I did everything myself — even when people offered to help.
Then, I stopped sleeping. My problems consumed my thoughts when I wanted to be asleep. Over the next few years, I gained 20 pounds, and my nerves were shot. I felt like I had a hair trigger, and the simplest question would make me want to yell. It took everything in me to answer with a pleasant voice, and I wasn't sure how long I could keep it together.
I tried creating a strict schedule but would have a hard time sticking to it.
When I was at work, I wanted to be home — and when I was at home, I wanted to work.
Nothing I did was enough because I didn't feel like enough. When I didn't feel better, I beat myself up for not being able to handle it.
I received good advice, but it didn't address the root of the problem: my self-worth.
If you had asked, I would have said that I was a confident person, and I was. But when really tested, I fell back on our society's messages: that I should give all of what I have to everyone else and that investing in myself and my needs was selfish.
Priorities and values needed to take center stage. I needed to figure these out to help me make important decisions. I realized that I had limited time and energy and that it wasn't humanly possible to do everything my brain dreamed up. I also had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable and practice saying "no" to myself and others.
My new motto ...
"Just because I can doesn't mean I should."
I had to let go of a lot of things to make room for myself and my priorities. My advisors told me to add things to my plate — new schedules, self-care, date nights, and weekend trips. They didn't realize that I had 48 hours a day worth of things to do, and I couldn't possibly fit one more thing in. I wasn't letting go of anything.
Leaning Into Thought Work To Deal With Stressors.
My priorities: myself, immediate family, friends and family, hobbies, and work.
I then started making decisions according to my priorities. When I said yes to something, I'd say no to something else. I often said yes to work and no to myself or my family. That didn’t feel good, and it was a trade I was no longer willing to make.
“No" started to work its way into my vocabulary. I said no to just about everything and only changed my mind if I had time to think about it. I only said yes if the activity lived up to what brings me joy, not other people's expectations of me and people's pleasing. I was used to feeling resentment and doing it anyway, so I decided that resentment was a good warning sign that it was not for me.
Taking massive action around my perfectionist thoughts and clarifying how they weren’t helpful taught me important lessons in self-compassion.
Part of the perfectionism journey for me was letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth, as Brené Brown identified. I learned that what I do is not who I am, and that freed me up to feel good about choosing myself and my family outside of work hours.
Working on my sleep, exercise, and meditation helped me give me the best body and brain possible to tackle the things life threw at me.
Getting professional support during this time was really helpful because they could identify thought patterns that were getting in my way that I didn't notice and helped me think about conflicts from different angles.
It took longer than I expected to feel like myself again, and I'm now aware of the signs that things aren't going well so that I can address them sooner. I thought I would feel rested in six months — it ended up taking several years. To help me have more control over my time and work, I ended up changing jobs.
If I had to pick the ONE THING that was a game-changer in my burnout journey, doing what brings me joy and letting go of people-pleasing was the biggest. It allowed me to make room to implement the other changes I wanted to make.
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