Using Therapy Against Each Other: The Jonas Hill Example

"A little knowledge is a dangerous thing." – Alexander Pope (1688-1744)

Everyone should talk to a trained professional to improve their mental health and well-being. In our enthusiasm to share our new knowledge, though, we don't always get it right. 

Actor and comedian Jonah Hill gave many examples of not using your knowledge of mental health concepts when upset. His ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady, released screenshots of text messages he sent her during their relationship over a year ago.

In addition, Jonah Hill released a Netflix documentary called "Stutz" about his psychiatrist, Phil Stutz. The documentary was an interesting example of some of the tools therapists use with clients. However, there were several questionable interactions, including Stutz joking about being intimate with Hill's mom.

While making personal text messages public was a breach of trust, having real-life examples of misogyny and emotionally abusive control tactics for teaching is helpful.

In a text dated December 2, 2021, Hill allegedly wrote to her:

Plain and simple: If you need: surfing with men, boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men, to model, to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, to post sexual pictures, friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting lunch or coffee or something respectful, I am not the right partner for you. If these things bring you to a place of happiness, I support it, and there are no hard feelings. These are my boundaries for a romantic partnership. My boundaries with you are based on how these actions hurt our trust."

"These losers don't get your time if you want me."

Defining Boundaries

To unpack this, let's clear up the definition of boundaries. Boundaries are what's okay and not okay FOR ME. It's the behavior that I don't want to be around. We can request that the other person avoid something we don't like, but it's up to them if they're willing to comply. My boundary says, "This is what I'll do if this behavior happens." It can sound like, "I'll leave the relationship if you're intimate with another woman," or, "I'll end the conversation if you're intoxicated."

The judgement and nastiness of other people in this text suggest that there are feelings that he has when she's with other people. These feelings could include jealousy. This feeling results from his thoughts about these people and Sarah's interactions. 

Brené Brown says, "Jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a part of a valued relationship that we already have." She explains that it doesn't appear to be a singular emotion but a toxic mashup of anger, sadness, and fear—so no wonder it packs a (gut) punch.

The following sentence could be gaslighting: "If these things bring you to a place of happiness, I support it, and there are no hard feelings." 

He has just crushed her actions, people, and relationships in her life, and now he stated he supports her decision and there are no hard feelings. The judgmental tone in the previous sentences implies hard feelings.

Definition: To manipulate (someone) using psychological methods to question their sanity or reasoning powers.

He says, "These are my boundaries for a romantic partnership. My boundaries with you are based on the ways these actions have hurt our trust."

Hill follows up declaring his boundaries with blaming and shaming, implying that her poor decisions have caused him to need the boundaries and have impacted his trust in her.

Ultimately, our boundaries are about us and can differ from one person to the next. 

I wouldn't have a romantic relationship with someone who smoked, but other people would have no problem with smoking.

"These losers don't get your time if you want me."

This is dehumanizing language, where a person puts others down to make themselves feel superior. It comes from an insecure place of feeling unworthy when comparing oneself to people or comparing relationships. 

In these examples, another piece of the puzzle is these messages' emotionally abusive and controlling nature.

"Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior in which the perpetrator insults, humiliates, and generally instills fear in an individual in order to control them. The individual's reality may become distorted as they internalize the abuse as their own failings." Psychology Today

Jonah chose to date a surfer and then tried to manipulate her and the situation to manage his anxiety out of fear of losing the connection. His brain told him, "If she would be different, then I wouldn't feel this way."

The reality is that there's nothing she can do or say to make him feel better because you can't fix internal struggles with things outside yourself. If she complied with all of his requests, he'd come up with new ones because her actions can't change his thoughts, feelings, or experiences. Only his thoughts can do that. It's a vicious cycle.

When we choose a partner who is a certain way when we meet them, it's unfair for us to ask them to change in the relationship. If he genuinely had issues with Sarah's behavior and she was unable or unwilling to change, he should leave the relationship, not browbeat her into submission.

There is a more significant piece at work in this story. 

Misogyny is hatred of, aversion to, or prejudice against women. This leads to Patriarchy, a system of relationships, beliefs, and values embedded in political, social, and economic systems that structure gender inequality between men and women. Attributes seen as "feminine" or about women are undervalued, while attributes regarded as "masculine" or about men are privileged.

There is a strong culture of criticism toward women in North America and many parts of the world. The ideal woman is thought to be a virgin until she's married, smart but not more intelligent than a man, educated but not too educated, ambitious but not to the detriment of her family, thin, pale-skinned, pretty, but not devoting too much time to her self care, nice to fault, self-sacrificing for others, confident but not pushy, sexy but not slutty, fit but not too muscular, look high end but not spend money.

In this text message, his issues with Sarah surfing with men, judging her posted pictures as sexy, not liking her in photos where she's wearing a bathing suit (remember she's a pro surfer), judging her women friends as unstable, asking for her to do "respectable" things with them, and her past as wild are all problematic and speak to his prejudice against women.

Jonah's prejudice against women needs to be healed before he can have successful relationships with women.

Here's what Jonah's text message would read like if he were coming from a confident place:

"I feel insecure about myself and our relationship when I see you surfing with hot men and looking amazing on Instagram. I worry that your female friends will see my controlling behaviors and question the health of our relationship. I know this is my work, and I commit to doing so. I would never ask you to change who I want to be in a relationship with me. My fears and trauma are the problem; I'll not the problem."

Jonah Hill can be commended for seeking therapy and addressing the childhood traumas and losses that impact who he is. It's also important to acknowledge that no one is perfect and that when we're distressed, we can act outside our integrity. 

People do their best with the skills, abilities, and talents they possess at the time, and I believe this is true of Jonah in this interaction. He stated in the film Stutz that losing a romantic partner or family member is still very difficult for him. What you will not hear me say is that his words were okay. The dynamic was emotionally abusive and controlling. I hope this public shaming will help him to examine how he shows up in intimate relationships, mainly because he and his new partner just gave birth to a baby girl. With continued help, I'm confident Jonah can turn this around and adjust his values to include equality for all genders, even when he feels hurt and scared.