A Year of Lasts — Making Sense of Empty Nest Syndrome
Have you ever heard of empty nest syndrome?
It sounds like a disorder. Empty nesters are considered parents whose children are grown and out of the home.
I’m not sure I love this empty nester label, but I’m beginning to understand it.
One of our daughters is in grade 12, and I’m surprised by how much I’m already thinking about her departure next year. She doesn’t need to leave home — of course, she's welcome to live at home as long as she needs, but she's excited to move to a new city to attend university, just like I did.
2024 feels like the year of lasts.
The last summer trip, the last first day of school in September photo, the last Halloween, the last of the high school sports, and then graduation.
In an attempt to keep a firm grip on the past, I noticed myself starting to overdo it. I wanted to be with my daughter all the time and be involved in everything. You could imagine that a 17-year-old doesn't want that much mommy-and-me time, and she said so.
With some reflection, I thought about how I could truly listen to her needs for independence and take care of my anticipatory grief. To be fair, everything in me wants to cling on tighter, but it’s my issue to solve, not hers.
Here’s my plan for navigating my empty nest:
Acknowledge my feelings.
Yes, I’m sad that my daughter is growing up, doesn’t need me like she used to, won’t be around as much, and that my job description at home is changing when I don’t want it to. I’ll have to shift from being a caretaker to being a mentor and cheerleader. It’s hard to go from being in control and having all of the responsibility to trusting that you’ve done your job and having faith that they will do the best they can with the skills they have. It can be anxiety-provoking.Manage my feelings.
My daughter isn't responsible for managing my feelings. Therefore, I use self-awareness to notice when I’m feeling a certain way, and then use lots of self-compassion and do things that make me feel better, like exercising, drinking a cup of tea, playing with my dog, or journalling. At these times, I avoid participating in numbing behaviors like scrolling social media, drinking, or overeating. Feelings are meant to be felt, so allowing them to happen while I care for myself is the fastest and most effective way to help them pass. It’s not comfortable, but it’s part of being human.Get support.
Talking to my husband, friends, and therapist helps me figure out what I’m going through and validates my experience.Find things that make me happy.
When much of my life has revolved around family and work, it’s essential for me to find things that are fun and can occupy my time and attention, other than the kids. I enjoy playing musical instruments, doing things with friends, travelling, playing pickleball, being artistic, cooking, and learning new things. Many women I talk to are unsure what they enjoy doing outside of work and caring for family. I’ve been there. It takes time and some trial and error, but it’s worth exploring. Having outside interests helps us connect with ourselves and head off burnout.
Kids don’t come with an instruction manual, and this is the part of parenting that no one talks about. Parents often talk about being glad when their children leave home, but you don’t often hear that they’re sad.
This is the point of raising children, though, isn’t it? This is what we prepare them for. We give them wings, and then we launch them.
So, I'm reframing my thoughts about my daughter leaving for university. I won’t have an empty nest. I’ll have a warm, loving home that includes my husband and I, our dog, friends and family, and, from time to time, our kids. We were people before we had kids, and now it’s time to reconnect to that person so that we get our own needs met and live our best lives.
If you're experiencing challenges with your own upcoming empty nest, therapy has helped me tremendously, and it can help you, too. Get in touch for a free consultation.
Check out these blogs next:
