If Someone Has the Guts To Act Inappropriately — Have the Guts To Speak Up
One of the things that makes people feel most ashamed is feeling stupid. That's why making mistakes can feel so awful. We imagine that other people will think we are dumb and then won't like us, and nothing a brain hates more than to think that we aren't likable.
At work, it looks more like worrying that people will perceive us as incompetent when we make a mistake. Again, our brain doesn't like imagining that people won't like us because of this, and we have some very real feelings about it.
This is why receiving feedback or criticism can be so painful, even when it isn't meant to be. In this article, you’ll hear about two stories where I was called to speak up — and one where I actually did.
First, here’s the story where I'll demonstrate the best way to receive feedback.
Last week, I noticed a colleague posting something online that's against company rules. There are guidelines for this on our company website. Because it's important to have generous assumptions and believe that people are doing their best, I assumed that she was unaware of the rule. Therefore, I composed a kindly written email (because she lives in a different country and I've never met her) that looked something like this:
Dear Colleague,
I hope you are having a great week! I noticed you posted something about [this thing], and it looks really great!
According to the company guidelines, we're unable to do this, but if you post it privately and share the link with your network, it's allowed.
Being held accountable by the company isn't a fun process, so I wanted to give you the heads up.
I wish you the best with your work! I will attach the guideline that I'm referring to for your reference.
How would you receive this message? Even though I wrote it with the best intentions, I still focused on the fact that I made a mistake. However, I'd be a little less embarrassed that it was a colleague and not the company that contacted me. If I had done a lot of work around perfectionism, which I have, it would still sting, but I would lean into curiosity and reframe this as a learning opportunity, which is what my colleague did.
She replied:
"Thank you for your email. I was unaware of this rule, so I appreciate you contacting me. I will fix it! Have a great week, your colleague."
That was the best possible response, and it's not easy. The reality is that an issue needed addressing, and my colleague addressed it. There are many possible reasons why she made the error, like never having done a post like this before, forgetting we received the guideline five years ago, and not working with other colleagues who could have let her know the rules before she made the post.
Regardless of the reason, people make mistakes, and we can either fix them or apologize for them. In my experience, people make honest mistakes most of the time. I rarely come across situations where people are intentionally trying to be deceitful. However, our brain has a negativity bias, and we often think that people assume the worst of us or that we assume the worst of others. You can see how this would create the conditions for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to happen.
How do you handle a heckler?
Here’s my second story for you.
I recently gave a 2-hour presentation to a group of colleagues I hadn't met before. I had travelled a long way and put a lot of effort into it, and I was excited to speak. It was a group of 10, so I could see and hear everyone there. As I began my talk, everyone seemed interested. However, within about 10 minutes, one person began what I will describe as heckling, disagreeing with and making comments about the information, and it continued throughout the presentation.
What would you do in this situation?
How would you hold the heckler accountable if they were interrupting your presentation?
One option would be to address the comment and attempt to clear up any misunderstanding.
Another option would be to ignore the comments and hope the heckler would eventually stop. Perhaps the presenter could address the heckler head-on and say something like, "I would appreciate it if everyone could hold questions and comments to the end of the presentation.
If nothing else worked, you could ask the heckler to leave.
Looking back, I wish I had done things differently.
However, the only other time I encountered anything like this was when I was teaching junior high school 20 years ago. It didn't occur to me that someone in my profession would behave this way. It wasn't that they disagreed with what I was saying, but it seemed that they didn't make the connection about why I was presenting on this particular topic.
I love questions, so I shared my rationale for the material I was presenting and how it related to the conference theme, but that didn't seem to matter to this person. The others listened intently and asked good questions, but the heckling continued. One of the organizers of the presentation was so interested and perhaps wanted to create a diversion that she offered a personal example that we used as a case study. The process was vulnerable and emotional for the organizer, and the heckler attempted to answer questions asked of me and explain parts of my presentation that I was describing.
There was a point when I looked at one of the participants with wide eyes, as the heckler just wouldn't stop. When my presentation concluded, people came up to me to tell me how much they liked it and wished they could have hugged me during the talk. Clearly, others did not appreciate the heckling.
If something like this ever happens again, I will definitely use the line, "Please leave your comments and questions to the end." I'm not sure that would have worked, but I think it would have helped me address the ongoing heckling. I could then say, "I've asked you to stop interrupting me, and I will ask you to leave if this continues." What little I know about the heckler now, I think this approach would have caused her to dig in her heels and become belligerent, but it would have been worth the discomfort. There is also a slight chance that she would have stopped, but I'm not confident that would have happened.
I can only assume that the heckler was attempting to seem smart, but it had the opposite effect. I'm pretty sure most of the other participants lost respect for her, as I did. I did the best I could under the circumstances with the information I had.
I could have talked to her afterward, emailed her, or phoned her to discuss the situation and its impact. I chose not to do any of those things because what happened next gave me the sense that she wouldn't be receptive to the conversation. She sent me friend requests on social media, invited me to review her business on Google, and gave me a copy of her book with a personal note saying how great it was to meet me. I used my clinical judgement to determine that her self-awareness was low, and any attempt to say something would not result in an apology or productive discussion.
I declined the social media connection attempt, didn't review her business (because I had nothing nice to say), and threw her book in the garbage. Sometimes, holding someone accountable involves the other person, and sometimes, it occurs when we don't hustle for our worthiness.
At a younger point in my life, I might have tried to befriend this person in an attempt to "win them over" and try to make myself immune to future heckling. However, I now know, and saw first hand, that this wouldn't have worked. She, in fact, heckled another colleague later in the day who was leading a discussion, and she knew this colleague very well.
My therapist told me today, "If they have the balls to act that way, then have the balls to say something."
Life is not a success-only journey.
The point is to do our best and then learn from the plethora of opportunities that come our way. I will look at this situation as a gift because I'm now more prepared to handle unruly colleagues, and I now know exactly what to say.
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