Overworked and Overwhelmed? Uncover Your Priorities To Set Yourself Up for Success
I recently had a conversation with a manager about her dissatisfaction with her life despite having everything she wanted. She had the house, car, husband, kids, dog, great job, and lovely friends. She said that she “should” be happy but just felt too overwhelmed and overworked like she wasn’t doing enough at home or at her job.
She tried getting up early to work out, not making plans with her friends so that she could spend more time with her kids, and taking vacations once in a while, thinking that would make her feel better. (Spoiler alert: it didn’t. She would come home feeling exhausted and even more behind). She even gave up her favorite hobbies. Things just kept getting worse.
I remember feeling that way, too, five years ago.
There are several issues going on here, but they all begin with the unconscious belief that we, as wives and mothers, need to invest all of our time, energy, and resources in other people. It's selfish to take time and resources to invest in ourselves.
Our worth is tied to what we can give and produce.
There are many reasons why women in our society feel that way. Some families have a strong work ethic and teach their kids that downtime or sick time is for the weak and lazy. But mostly, it comes from how our society views women.
Imagine this scenario: A mother with small children goes on vacation with girlfriends for a week and comes home with a new hairdo and clothes. I would like to think that our automatic thought is, “Good for her. She knows how to take care of herself!”
However, most people would think, “How selfish, and what a bad mom…neglecting her kids and spending all of the family’s money!” Whether she can afford it or not is irrelevant to our society’s opinion.
This belief is often unconscious and can’t be changed unless we consciously refute it. When it goes unchecked, we'll say and do things that reinforce it to ourselves and others, like, “It must be nice to have so much free time,” or “I wonder what her husband thinks of having to manage everything while she’s away,” (ironic) or “Clearly her family is not her priority.” These judgemental statements come from a belief that it's a woman’s job to raise the children and take care of the home, even if she works full time, and that anything other than giving all of herself is selfish.
On the flip side, most women who don’t allow themselves these pleasures are secretly jealous that she has prioritized her own happiness and have a hard time imagining how that would work in their own lives. That’s where psychology comes in.
Our thoughts about women’s roles and worth need to change so that we can live happier, more sustainable lives.
The first thing we all need to look at is our sleep. It's often one of the first things to go when we're busy, and most women need 8-9 hours of sleep. If you can already hear your brain protesting that fact with the thought, “I do well with less,” just know that science would disagree.
Do you feel exhausted during the day?
Do you sleep in on the weekends?
Do you overuse caffeine and sugar to get through the day?
These may be signs to pay attention to. You don’t have to change your entire routine in a day, but see if you can adjust your schedule by 15 minutes daily to get close to this goal. Sleep is a keystone habit. If you don’t get enough rest, then it will be hard to have the energy and mental strength to make the other life adjustments you need to make.
My sleep troubles started in my 40s. I woke up many nights at 3:00 a.m. and would only fall back asleep five minutes before my alarm. Other times, the stress and frustrations of work would keep my mind churning. I worked on my nutrition, hydration, and exercise during the day and developed a good bedtime routine that helped a lot. I limit screen time before bed, and I find that melatonin helps if I happen to wake up at 3:00 a.m. now.
Keeping a sleep log can help you track why you’re waking up or not falling asleep. For a while, I was waking up in the middle of the night because I was thirsty, so I realized that I needed to drink more water during the day. Taking my sleep seriously didn’t give me immediate results, but it’s a lot better than it once was!
Uncover Your Priorities
The next thing to address is identifying your priorities. Many people value their health, their families, and their relationships above their jobs, but we’ve been given the message that our worth is tied to how productive we can be or how much we can give.
If your health and relationships really are the most important things in your life, how would you make decisions differently?
What discomfort comes up for you when you think about spending your time and energy this way?
Pay close attention to these thoughts because it’s THE issue that's holding you back from the life you want. In my case, I worried about what other people would think. It felt uncomfortable to do what made me happy rather than always thinking about other people, but I realized that I needed to be on my list of priorities. I wasn’t ready to put myself at the top of the list, but I worked at being on the list, and then I eventually moved myself up as I worked on feelings of guilt and thoughts of selfishness.
Setting Your Schedule Up for Success
Finally, practice restraint and self-discipline. Set reasonable work hours, including an hour for lunch and two 15-minute breaks. Many people have started working through lunch or eating at their desks. This is what happens when we don't make ourselves a priority.
What would it be like to eat with colleagues or in the park, then walk for 30 minutes?
We're far more productive when we take breaks and move our bodies. Our mind often tells us that the opposite is true because our brain always looks for the easiest thing that takes the least energy. Our cute little brains are just trying to be helpful in the moment, but it doesn’t consider 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 hours from now. Especially if you work at home, setting work hours and sticking to them is essential to prevent burnout and maximize fun in your life!
Are you working to live or living to work?
The manager I talked to recently in a client session had some thoughts about taking her own lunch and breaks, even though she expected everyone else to take lunch and breaks. Her thoughts were about needing to get the work done no matter how long it takes in a day. We started working on her thoughts about delegation, hiring more help, prioritizing her health and wellness, and working on people-pleasing thoughts.
When you live a life that fulfills and sustains you each day, you're not “grinning and bearing it” between holidays. You only get holidays a few times a year, so why enjoy only a portion of your life? Living a different life is simple but not easy. We all know what to do, but putting it into practice is the tricky part. Most of us assume that everyone else can do it without help so we should be able to. The truth is that no one can make changes alone. When we develop new skills, we need education AND support.
Do you need support in this area?
Book a free consultation to see if therapy is right for you, or sign up for the next Dare to Lead workshop!
You might also enjoy this book suggestion: The Power of Full Engagement: Managing Energy, Not Time, Is the Key to High Performance and Personal Renewal by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.
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