Loss, Longing, and Feeling Lost — My Personal Experience With Grief

"The more difficult it is for us to articulate our experiences of loss, longing, and feeling lost to the people around us, the more disconnected and alone we feel in our grief." Brené Brown

They say the first cut is the deepest. When I was 22, my boyfriend of four years told me he wasn't sure if we were meant to be together. I slid my promise ring off my finger, placed it on the table, and we then drove to my friend's house without saying a word. Two days later, I was on a plane back to Edmonton from Toronto, not knowing what to do next. 

I was heartbroken and mad, but most of all, I felt a huge loss. 

I wasn't only grieving the loss of the relationship but of the short-term and long-term future I imagined we'd have together. I missed his family and our circle of friends. 

"Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness — we feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it but is now painfully gone." – Brené Brown

When I returned home to Edmonton, I moved in with my grandma and started working at a restaurant, waiting for the next round of university applications to open up. 

Before the breakup, I had a strong sense of belonging — to my boyfriend, our friends, and the city of Toronto. I wanted to belong again. It had been five years since I'd lived in Edmonton, and I didn't have friends there anymore. I felt like a huge piece of me was missing, and I didn't know how to feel better. I went on trips with friends and met some new people, but I was living in a place I didn't want to be in and working a job I didn't want to work. I was searching for the missing piece that would let me feel whole again, but there was no such thing. I enrolled in weekly therapy and started to heal the hurt, rediscover who I was, and decide where I wanted to go in life.

It was a process to discover the missing pieces and work towards the life I wanted.

"Longing isn't consciously wanting; it's an involuntary yearning for wholeness, understanding, meaning, and the opportunity to regain or even simply touch what we've lost." Brené Brown

Now, I had to plan how I was going to support myself because we were supposed to get married, and I was supposed to stay home and take care of our future kids while he worked. I thought I had found my person. I wondered if I would ever find someone like him again. I felt like I was set adrift and lost at sea. I didn't know where I fit in this world, and because I was so sad, I had a hard time imagining a bright future.

"Grief requires us to reorient ourselves to every part of our physical, emotional, and social worlds. Sometimes, it even changes how we think of our identity and ourselves." Brené Brown

We can grieve many things. We typically think of grief as happening when someone dies. However, we can grieve a pet, the loss of a job, the breakup of a relationship or friendship, a betrayal, an injury or illness, and the list could go on.

I didn't have the words or knowledge to describe my experience at the time. I felt very alone, even though there were people I could have reached out to. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I think I was clinically depressed. However, I knew what I didn't want, which was to stay in the current situation, so I took action. 

I applied to get my education degree, and I went to school the following year, where I made a bunch of amazing friends. I moved to the Rocky Mountains, to Calgary, to Taiwan, and back to Calgary. After teaching for a few years, I started my master's in psychology and met my husband. It all worked out, not according to my initial plan, but with a lot of therapy I got to know myself, work on my negative thoughts about myself, and create a future based on what I wanted, following my passions and dreams.

Fresh beginnings.

What I stopped doing: relying on others for my happiness or a secure future.

The result: I was happier and stronger. 

Where I am today wouldn't have happened had I got married and had kids at that young age. When I grieved the loss of the relationship, I also grieved the loss of who I was and who I thought I would become, and I had to start fresh. Now, I reinvent myself regularly, but that early experience taught me I could, even though it was hard and scary.

I wish I had known then that the better we are at communicating how we feel to friends, family, and professionals, the more opportunities we have for connection and understanding. I've learned that lesson and am here to help if you're experiencing grief and any of its elements: loss, longing, or feeling lost. Get in touch.