Daring to Be You: Unlocking the Courage to Live Authentically
Have you ever walked into a meeting or a party where you didn’t know many people and worried about what people would think of you?
For me, it often starts in my closet, where I try to find “the right” clothes and jewelry, “the right” hair, and “the right” makeup. I usually inventory my flaws and what other people could judge me on.
This is the first coat of armour.
Then there’s the drive to the gathering, where I start wondering if I’ll fit in, and I pre-emptively wonder what I might not like about them, just in case they don’t like me.
More armour.
Then, if I’m really feeling insecure, I’ll start bragging about my accomplishments or my kids when I meet new people. I become someone who “one-ups” other people, and I don’t like it.
Do you notice these patterns in your life too?
What situations do you find yourself armouring up?
Are you able to be authentic in your life?
When is it easy?
When is it hard?
The opposite is belonging is fitting in.
True belonging requires us to know who we are, be who we are, be authentic, and not betray ourselves for other people. Fitting in is assessing a group of people and deciding who you need to be to be liked by the group. But the problem with fitting in is that it doesn’t allow us to be who we are, and that’s not sustainable.
Permission slip: let go of being cool and always in control.
We need to cultivate the courage to be imperfect and vulnerable. We also have to believe that we're fundamentally worthy of love and belonging, just as we are. When we show up as truly authentic, we're actually inviting in more grace, gratitude, and joy.
Drop the shame and fear of not being good enough. To feel fully free to be our beautiful and vulnerable selves, there's no room for shame and fear. Here are three ways you can drop them:
Develop a playlist of 3-5 songs that remind you of who you are and play it often — especially before interacting with others
Share your practice with someone you love, and trust that you’re not alone
Have the courage to say no and yes
A significant threat to authenticity-boundary issues is the need to people please. So it's important you learn to say no to things you don’t want to do and yes to the new experiences that interest you, even if it means letting go of your to-do list.
An important practice in truly daring to be ourselves is living authentically by letting go of other people’s expectations.
Authenticity is the process of accepting ourselves for who we really are and abandoning the idea of who we think we’re supposed to be.
By placing value on your own needs and identity, authenticity helps develop your sense of self-worth. There are three requirements for authentic living:
Create boundaries
Be willing to be vulnerable
This can be challenging as humans are hard-wired to want to fit in with others, often by adhering to external expectations.
For example, if you want to make a good impression on a new co-worker, you may agree to every favor they ask of you, even if it leads to unnecessary stress.
To begin living authentically, consider the following tips:
Be Willing to Say “No”
If someone asks you to do something you don’t want to or feel you can do without overwhelming yourself, say “no.” When you begin to do this, you may frustrate some people, but agreeing to do something you don’t want to do builds the foundation for resentment. For example, if your friend asks you for help filing their paperwork on a Friday afternoon when you’ve already worked a full 40-hour workweek, saying “yes” may lead to unnecessary frustration.
To prepare yourself, practice saying “no” in the mirror and bring notes with you when you turn someone down. These habits will help you become more comfortable in the situation and prevent your emotions from clouding your judgment.
Note: This doesn’t mean you must say “no” whenever someone asks you to do something for them. You can help people when they reach out, but have a clear sense of your level of stress or exhaustion, and don’t overextend yourself.
Be Willing to Say “Yes”
Conversely, if you find a project or venture you’re genuinely excited about, say “yes.” The prospect of imperfection or ineptitude may often keep you from diving in. However, if you allow fear to dictate your behavior, you’ll never be willing to try new things or engage with projects that excite you.
For example, if you’ve always been interested in taking a painting class, take a painting class. Though you may be afraid that your lack of artistic experience may lead to feeling shame, you’ll never know what benefits the class will provide if you never take the leap of faith.
Develop a Mantra To Unlock Courage
Create a simple mantra based on an authenticity goal. Repeat this phrase to yourself before entering high-stress situations to remind you to practice authenticity. For example, if your goal is to accept that your needs are important enough to say “no” to things, you could say to yourself, “My needs outweigh others’ expectations.”
Other mantras you can try on for inspiration:
From others:
"Don't shrink. Don't puff up. Stand your sacred ground." Brené Brown
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.” Brené Brown
"There is enough room for me here." Celeste Williams
"I’m where the party’s at." Zoe Dearborn
"The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are." CG Jung
"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken" Oscar Wilde
And from me:
I’m enough.
By being myself, I allow others to be the same.
We were born real, not perfect.
She who is brave is free.
I am stronger than my fears.
My opinion matters.
Every day is a new opportunity to know myself.
I trust my journey.
Embrace the present moment.
Progress over perfection.
By being myself, I…
Is it possible to be too vulnerable?
Yes — this is known as a vulnerability hangover. It’s normal to feel exposed and uncomfortable after being open and authentic. It doesn’t mean that anything went wrong, and the antidote for healing is self-compassion and self-care. Trust that the feeling will pass and is just part of the process
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Overworked and Overwhelmed? Uncover Your Priorities To Set Yourself Up for Success
Body Image Is the #1 Shame Trigger for Women — Let’s Rewrite Our Self-Talk
