When Plans Go Awry: A Guide to Accepting Change and Nurturing Your Well-Being
Sometimes life laughs at your plans.
Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a busy season, and something happens that stops you in your tracks? Perhaps you get sick or injured, or a crisis requires your attention.
Understanding the Impact of Unexpected Events
Usually, when we face the unexpected, we find ourselves in denial. It takes some time for our minds to realize and accept what's happening because we were surprised — we didn't plan for this to happen.
However, the faster we can get up to speed with the reality of the situation, the sooner we can make good choices. When our brains are stuck, it can help to gather data. We need facts and sometimes experts to help us come to terms with what's happening.
Then, we can accept the reality of our situation and make a plan. Our plan doesn't have to be super detailed, but choosing a set of guiding principles can help. Above all, you need to be taken care of.
Even when the crisis is someone else's, you are only effective as a helper if you are okay.
Prioritizing Self-Care During a Curveball
We tend to put ourselves last on the list if we even make it on the list. What ends up happening is that we give until we have nothing left and often neglect our need to eat, sleep, and rest.
What would it be like to balance other people's needs with your needs?
What thoughts and feelings would come up for you?
Many people tell me that they would feel guilty. Ironically, we often feel guilty that we will disappoint other people, but we are actually not living up to our own expectations.
Read that again… we often make assumptions about what other people think and feel, and then we try to live up to them and feel guilty if we don't. But they didn't ask us to do these things in the first place. If it sounds crazy-making, it is.
Letting Go of Guilt
We want to avoid feeling uncomfortable for not living up to society's expectations that we give everything we have, but we can't — at least not right away. We will feel guilty, and we must resist the urge to continue wearing ourselves out.
What if you’re the one who gets sick or injured? Usually, the first thing we say is, "I don't have time for this!" We're often so over-scheduled that it's hard to imagine postponing or cancelling events. However, this is what will need to happen for us to recover, and we're allowed to recover.
Another way to look at it is, how would you care for someone you love in the same situation? Now, apply the same level of care and attention to yourself. Ask for help. Take time. It may feel unusual, and you may feel restless and uncomfortable, but that probably means you really need to take this time and manage your feelings about it. It's normal for us to feel uncomfortable when we rest. Nothing has gone wrong. Feel the discomfort and do it anyway!
I recently sprained my ankle. The story is very boring. I tried to sidle my way through a fence in the snow, and I tripped. I was in denial for a moment about the fact that I had hurt it until I tried to take a few steps…I felt it right away!
Additionally, I had 25 people coming over for a holiday dinner 2 days later. What was a girl to do?
Instead of soldiering on like I usually do, I got my kids to work on prepping the house and sent my husband to the grocery store. I did what cooking I could but stopped and asked for help when I got tired and sore. When they arrived, I asked my guests to help and got my kids and husband to pitch in. It felt weird to watch others work in my own kitchen, but everyone did great, and it was a new experience to sit down and chat at my own party. I'd definitely like to do more of it!
It has been hard to slow down, and I had to convince my brain that I could still find exercises to do with a sprained ankle. Modified yoga and Pilates, with the blessing of my physiotherapist, have been surprisingly helpful in keeping my mind and body limber.
I have moments of frustration when I step wrong and almost pass out or when I don't want to take 20 minutes to walk up my stairs to bed. In the past, I wouldn't have made any changes, and I would have been forced to slow down because I likely would have hurt myself worse or lost it on the people around me because I would have been so tired and in pain.
If I took this spraining event as a "teachable moment," then it would be yet another opportunity for me to learn, again, not to be so independent, to delegate, to allow others to help, not to feel guilty when I can't do everything I had planned to do, and to have compassion for myself.
When life throws you curve balls, you can be mad for a minute, but then accept it. Make a plan to prioritize your wellness and do what you can. Let go of perfection and be patient with the healing process, which usually takes longer than you'd like. Pushing too hard can easily set you back, which is not ideal. Give yourself grace and use humor to put the situation in perspective. This, too, shall pass.
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