Receiving Feedback Mindfully: How To Receive Criticism With Grace

Imagine someone you care about says to you… 

“We need to talk.”  

Where does your mind go?

If you’re like most people, your thoughts might land nowhere good. A sensation might happen in the pit of your stomach, and you envision a worst-case scenario.

Beginning when we’re children, life is full of people telling us what to do. Some people are skilled at giving feedback, and some are not. I was raised with direct instructions, like, “Stop that,” and “Because I said so.” 

There wasn’t a lot of explanation that came with the instructions, and asking questions often invited trouble. 

When I was corrected, I’d usually make a link between my behavior and my lovability. 

Children I knew were labelled “bad” or “good,” and it was hard to get off the “bad” train once you were on it. People treated you differently if you were a kid with a lot of feelings, had a lot of energy, or acted in any way that was inconvenient or perceived as disrespectful to adults. 

In this way, “discipline” wasn’t very helpful since kids were told what they shouldn’t do but weren’t told what they should do. To be fair, in my parents’ generation, I don’t think many of them knew what to tell us. In some families, even “I love you” or “I’m sorry” were words rarely spoken. 

Advice-giving was normal, and holding space for uncertainty was not.

No wonder we have such a visceral reaction to “we need to talk.” Any criticism feels like punishment. 

Our parents, friends, and educators are our first givers of feedback. It’s not often done skillfully, so it feels like criticism. Our brains are hardwired for connection, and criticism instills fear in us that we will be rejected by the group and die of starvation when we don’t have 100% approval. Most of us learned to fear feedback because it often came with punishment or ridicule, and as adults, we can get defensive even when the information is intended to be helpful. 

Fortunately, we’re now adults who don’t rely on others for survival like a child does. Even though it still feels terrible, feedback no longer means death. If people were upset with us or didn’t like us, we would still be able to live happy, healthy lives.

Getting feedback is essential for our growth and development and helps us learn about our particular culture's “rules” and preferences. 

Not all feedback is intended as criticism, and there can be a lot of wisdom that can help us become better people, have better relationships, and run better businesses if we can hear it. Taking this one step further, there can be a lot of wisdom in critical feedback if we look at the message behind it. 

The first step is creating a feedback culture. I was raised and educated with the idea that you don’t question authority. The downside of this is that ideas and situations aren’t discussed, and opinions and feelings aren’t valued. It’s a missed opportunity to connect with the other person and create the conditions that foster learning and collaboration. It’s hard being a decision-maker whose decisions impact other people. One never knows if they're making the “right” decision. Getting feedback and discussion options can help everyone feel listened to and valued, and many ideas will lead to a better decision in the end.

Preparing Yourself To Receive Honest Feedback

It can be helpful to prepare yourself for a little discomfort. Just because you’ve decided to welcome and even solicit feedback doesn’t mean your brain won’t have something to say about it. Be aware of your thoughts and the feelings they're causing. Then, reassure your brain that nothing has gone wrong and the sting will fade. For me, it can last as long as a day or two, but other times, I’m over it in minutes. Then, I ask myself if I can learn anything from this situation. Sometimes, I run into people only interested in hurting me, so I ignore that feedback. 

Another reason feedback stings is that our perfectionist brain has a “preferred version” of how we want to be perceived. Anything or anyone who highlights things that contradict how we want to be perceived causes us to feel shame. Shame feels like death, so we want to avoid it. 

The perfectionist brain, remember, says that we need to look perfect, act perfect, and be perfect to avoid shame, blame, and criticism. 

The reality is that we’re not perfect — we’re human. Humans make mistakes, and when we can accept all parts of ourselves, we can accept all parts of others. 

The other thing I’ve noticed is that our brain wants to defend itself when someone points out something we could do differently. Again, the brain feels threatened, so there may be a desire to fight back, run away, or freeze and do nothing. Most often, people turn to defensiveness where they fight back and say, “I didn’t do that!” or “That’s not true!” This reaction is what Brené Brown describes as “putting up armour.” Armour can shield us from hurt, but it also shields us from love and connection. When you get hooked by emotion, the trick is to notice that it feels like a gut punch. You can then take a moment or a breath and decide how you want to react. Tap into your vulnerability. Quite often, I’m unable to be quick on my feet, so my go-to statements are things like, “Tell me more,” “That’s interesting, let me think about it.”

We no longer live in primitive times, so our survival does not depend on others liking us. We now get to choose whose opinion of us matters most. 

Let’s take a look at a thought experiment.

Circumstance: someone says words.

Unintentional thought: that stings. I thought we were friends. I feel misunderstood, I didn’t deserve that/they’re wrong.

Body sensation: chest tightens, heart races.

Feeling: hurt, confused, anger

Action: want to hurt back, want to explain, become defensive, lie, protect self

Result: want to quit, want to disengage, question myself, disconnection, hard feelings, no learning

Now, let’s get intentional. 

Circumstance: someone says words

Intentional thoughts: I wonder if this is true, I wonder what I can learn from this, does this fit for me? 

Body sensation: ease or light

Feeling: curious

Action: take the information and act on it

Result: closer connections, personal growth, discernment about what information I keep and what I let go of.

When we can feel the discomfort and look for the “golden nugget” in feedback, it will lead us to improve our personal and professional lives. No one is perfect, and being open to feedback will also give people around us a positive example of lifelong learning. Using humor and being able to laugh at yourself also helps.

In my family, my kids often laugh at me, so when I’m feeling the sting of criticism, it’s a good reminder to laugh at myself.