Body Image Is the #1 Shame Trigger for Women — Let’s Rewrite Our Self-Talk

According to Brené Brown's research, the #1 shame trigger for women is body image.

Interestingly, it's not the reason people come to therapy, but it comes up in therapy every day.

The thing is, the thoughts you have about your body didn't come from you. They actually came from society. One problem with this (there are many) is that it's that the thoughts about your ideal body are nearly impossible for anyone to meet.

What negative thoughts do you have about your body?

Explore what thoughts you have about your body. You might not even realize some of them.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What would be different if my body was different?

• Would I feel better about myself?

• Does this mean I think I'm unattractive or not good enough?

• Could this thought lead to feeling unhappy?

• Do I think that "good" people = thin people?

• Where did these thoughts come from? Do you know someone who felt these things growing up?

We're taught that what matters most about us is how we look. And if we look a certain way, we'll get what we want.

Here's how this looks:

• The thought happens, "I don't look good enough" — this means I feel like I'm not enough

• You feel it in your gut

• The feeling triggers shame

• You take action and try to change it fast

• Then, the result you get is feeling like a failure, disappointment, spending money, doing things that don't feel good, numbing, feeling worse (this one could keep going)

Let's look at this with a thought exercise.

• You have a thought - "I don’t look good," or "I’m not enough."

• You feel it in your body - it feels like a punch to the gut or a sinking feeling.

• This leads to feeling shame.

• You take action and try to change it fast.

• Resulting in feeling like a failure, feeling disappointed, spending money, doing things that don’t feel good and don’t produce results (not eating enough, pushing too hard at the gym), numbing, frustration, feeling worse, feeling guilty, creating a cycle of trying/numbing/trying/numbing, or getting on and off the wagon, secretly hoping fast results.

Instead, here's what to do to help cultivate a more positive body image.

The next time you notice negative thoughts about your body — challenge them!

• You notice you don't feel great about your body and decide you want to feel content right now.

• You think: there are lots of ways to define my good qualities. I love what my body does for me, not just how it looks. I look at my body from a place of love, not hate. Bodies are beautiful in every size and shape. Instead of over-emphasizing what I’d like to change, I can look at what I love. My looks are not tied to my self-worth. I'm open to making positive changes. I'm going to manage my mind about the process, get help, and research some body-positive programs, podcasts, therapists, and books.

• You take action, do more things that make you happy, and be more present.  

• Result: You have higher self-esteem and self-worth, start showing up for yourself more, get rid of distractions, make yourself a priority, modify your expectations, make health changes, and understand why you're doing things based on science.

Changing your body without doing thought work will not give you what you want.  

You need to accept yourself first, then decide if a change is wanted or necessary. 

One of the best ways to notice if you're using kind self-talk: What would you say if you were talking to a young girl with these thoughts?

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