Stop Overcommitting: 9 Ways to Say No & Prioritize Your Mental Health
In the last year, I’ve been asked to apply for the CEO positions of two different organizations. Several people at each organization reached out, and while I was very flattered and did consider each request thoughtfully, I turned them down.
I could not have done this a few years ago, and here’s why. They are both great opportunities — anyone would be lucky to fill those roles. The organizations are wonderful, and serving the staff, clients, and members would be an honor. The compensation is great and would certainly help to put our children through post-secondary education and add to our retirement savings.
However, these positions don't align with my current priorities. Last week, I mentioned that caring for myself is #1 on my priority list, and my husband and girls are #2, followed by family, friends, work, and vacations.
I've committed to not overscheduling myself.
My current work week gives me lots of flexibility to care for myself and my immediate family. My oldest is graduating and moving away this year, while my youngest graduates in two years. I want to attend all tournaments, parent council meetings, recitals, and road trips while I can. So, in order to do all of those things and focus on my sleep, exercise, nutrition, and happiness, I’m not willing to work a 9 am-5 pm, 5-day-a-week job outside of the house.
Money is important but not as important as my health, well-being, and family. The status of holding either of those positions would feel amazing, and I would be proud of myself for reaching such professional heights, but even that isn’t worth it at this moment.
Another factor that I considered was my passion for the company and what the job entailed. While both are worthy causes, neither organization solves problems I'm passionate about. To do the laundry list of tasks in each job description and persevere during hard days would need to be personal to me.
The Cost of Overcommitting
When I co-founded Momentum Walk-In Counselling Society, I saw the immediate need for people in my community to access high-quality mental health therapy without barriers. I felt so passionate about the team and the people we were helping that I didn’t take a salary for a year to establish the organization. I felt compelled to do what it took to help others, and the organization flourished.
But there was a cost to doing it the way I did it, without clear guidelines for myself, my time, and my energy, but I learned a lot and am grateful that I was able to make a difference.
What toll does overcommitting take in your life?
The costs are enormous, and most markedly, it can impact your physical and mental health. When we overcommit, we often don’t prioritize our wellness because, in the short term, it only impacts us, not other people. I have lived a life where I barely moved my body, felt a lot of stress, worked too many hours, and ate sugar to cope, significantly contributing to my eventual mental and physical suffering.
I felt so much guilt for not being the parent, wife, and friend I wanted to be. Other costs include the toll overcommitting can take on relationships with family, friends, and colleagues when we don’t have the time or emotional bandwidth to connect, our physical energy because we push ourselves too far without recuperating, and our ability to have fun.
People often turn down opportunities to play and rest if these activities are inconvenient for others.
I felt forced to retire because I was at the end of my energetic rope. Then, I had to say no more because I thought my life and relationships depended on it. Now I know how to say no because I know what a balanced life looks like, and I don’t equate my worth with what I do, how much I make, the title I hold, or how productive I am. Now, I make decisions based on what’s important to me and my life, regardless of what others think.
9 Ways to Say "No" Gracefully
If you're working on flexing your muscles around reclaiming your time, here are nine ways to say “no” politely yet firmly:
“No” as a complete sentence
“No, thank you.”
“Thank you for thinking of me, but I have other commitments right now.”
“Thank you for this opportunity, but it’s not something I‘m able to commit to.”
“This sounds like fun, but it’s not something I have time for.”
“Perhaps someone else could take this on.”
“I’m happy to help you brainstorm other ideas.”
“I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and while I am flattered, my answer is no.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that.”
If you’re someone who typically says “yes,” then the people in your life may be surprised at your new “no” vocabulary and have some feelings about it.
You may get a frustrated or angry reaction from people, but this is a normal part of the process, and when you stick to your decision, people will eventually accept this new version of you. One way to think of it is, would you like people to say yes to you and then be upset about it and upset with you, or would you prefer they say no? The only people who would end a friendship because you said no are those who benefit from your lack of boundaries. If they don’t care about how you feel, they may not be healthy people to have in your life. We teach people how to treat us.
When you say yes to something, you have to say no to something else because there is only so much time in a day, and you only have so much energy. What have you said no to in the past because you were overcommitted? Free time? Sleep? Hobbies? Friends? Now that you are getting good at saying no to things you don’t want to do, what will you have time for?
Keystone Habits for Well-Being
A keystone habit is sleep. It's called a keystone habit because it's foundational to how the rest of your life functions. If you’re chronically tired, you are not as effective or efficient as you could be. Another keystone habit is moving your body for 20 minutes every day.
You can call this exercise if you want, or you can call it dancing in the kitchen, walking and chatting with a friend, or playing Frisbee in the park with your kids. A third keystone habit is nutrition. When I ran Momentum, it shocked me every day when people would come for therapy, and they had not eaten in days or only drank coffee.
There was a huge disconnect between what we take in (or don’t take in) and how we feel. We would offer people a snack halfway through the session, and miraculously, their mood improved dramatically. We started to call it “sandwich therapy.” People had problems, yes, but not eating and/or drinking lots of coffee will make you feel terrible.
Think about one small change you can make to your diet that will have a big impact.
I started with drinking more water every day. It took time to build the habit, but now it’s just part of my day and helps me feel better in lots of ways. Another thing that will nourish you that you will now have time for is to practice gratitude.
Name 3-5 things at the end of the day that you appreciate.
You'll find that the more you do this, the more time you will spend looking for the beauty in life.
Are there relationships you’d like to nurture?
Are there hobbies you’d like to spend time on or learn to do?
How can you incorporate more rest into your day?
I started taking 30 minutes to close my eyes after lunch because I found myself craving sugar. I realized I was tired and had never given myself permission to rest before.
There will never be an end to the ways other people and your own brain will try to spend the precious resources of your time and energy. Others cannot read your mind — they simply don't know your limits or what kind of day, week, or year you’ve had, so you need to build trust with yourself and do what is best for you.
Brené Brown says, “Clear is kind, and unclear is unkind.”
Saying yes to things you don’t really want to do is not actually kind to yourself or the people you’re saying yes to with resentment. Lean into honesty and authenticity, get clear about how you feel, and then say “no.” If this is particularly hard for you, practice saying no to everything for a week, and only go back and change your mind if you’re really sure you want to do it. Practice being uncomfortable in the short term so that you can be more comfortable in the long term. It will get easier and easier, and soon, you will determine what is best according to your priorities without much effort!
If you found some useful tips in this article on reclaiming your time, check out these ones next:
Juggling Work, Health, and Family: Strategies That Actually Work
Stop Waiting for the Other Shoe To Drop and Start Practicing Gratitude
