Women, Stop Feeling Overwhelmed and Start Asking for Help
My husband's birthday was a few weeks ago, and I wanted to cook him a special dinner. We had gone to an Edmonton Oilers hockey game the night before and got home late, so we didn't sleep well. The next day, we watched our daughter's volleyball tournament, which took up most of the day. We were all tired when we got home from the tournament, but wanting to make my husband's birthday special, I went out for groceries and a cake and started cooking.
Even though I was working and rushing around trying to get everything done on time, I didn't ask the other five people in the house for help. The result was that I wore myself out, got grumpy with my husband, and felt a little resentful that no one offered to lend a hand. After dinner, I washed the dishes and spent the rest of the evening binge-watching Netflix, flopping onto the couch.
Societal conditioning makes women avoid asking for help.
Have you ever heard of pink jobs and blue jobs? We have been told directly and indirectly that the woman's place is in the home and that even if we work, the kids and home are still our responsibility. A man's job is to bring home the paychecks.
Attitudes are shifting, but the underlying mindsets are hard to shake.
When I talk to women, they describe feeling selfish if they want to take time doing fun things without their family, spend money on themselves, or do something for themselves that doesn't benefit others. We're afraid to be seen as selfish, and we can judge other women harshly when they do things we secretly wish we were doing, like going on a vacation without our family.
It feels safer to people-please and be perfect than risk other people not liking or approving of us. We're biologically hardwired to think this way, but it doesn't serve us in modern times and, in fact, is leading to our overwhelm and burnout. Women being responsible for a household's mental and physical load simply isn't sustainable. Even back in primitive times, there was a family and community to help around the home. We were never meant to do it all alone.
Redefining The Mindset of Proving
In order to remedy this mindset and not pass it on to our sisters and the next generation, we need to question the old thoughts that have been handed to us and redefine who we are and what our purpose is in this world.
When we believe in equality and have grounded confidence, we require more of ourselves and of other people. We no longer have to hustle for our worth because we believe that we are worthy of love and belonging just as we are. We don't have to prove it or earn it.
The Power of Asking for Help
If I had thought about my husband's birthday dinner differently, I could have thought things like, "Many hands make light work" or "Teamwork makes the dream work." We often underestimate other people's willingness to help and also underestimate how positive they will feel when they do help.
My husband even said that night that he felt guilty that I was doing all the dishes that day. (We had a counter full of dishes, and it felt like it took me hours.) Had I asked for help, I would have felt supported and more connected with the others in the house, I would have delegated tasks and ultimately not snapped at the birthday boy, things would have gotten done faster, I would have had the energy to walk the dog with my husband after dinner, and would have had more fun.
Asking for help can feel hard at first, but it's necessary.
Practical Ways to Delegate
Here are some practical ways to delegate without micromanaging. First, consider why you're asking for help. It may feel like we "should" be able to do it all, but the reality is that we need to lighten our workload so that we can live longer, more fulfilling lives.
On top of that, getting help from our families and friends helps set the standard of cooperation because we can get further in life when we help each other. When we ask others to do things, it's helpful to keep in mind that perfection isn't the goal.
Besides, done is better than perfect.
I often have to remind my perfectionist brain of this when I'm doing tasks, too! It could even be fun to get them to decide how to do the task. If I need a dessert, I can ask my girls what they would like to make for dessert instead of requesting they make a specific thing.
Sometimes, I offer other people choices, like whether they want to vacuum, do the dishes, or set the table.
"Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." Brené Brown
We often ask people to do things without being clear about what we want the end result to look like. If I ask my daughter to clean her room and she reorganizes her bookshelf, I can't be mad. I didn't say, "Pick up all of your clothes off the floor." Technically, she was cleaning.
When asking people for help, have faith that they will be able to do it. Micromanaging comes from our own anxiety, and we control it in order to calm our own nervous systems. Our basic mind tells us that we need a certain outcome to feel good, but this isn't actually true.
Our thoughts control our feelings, so paying attention to our thoughts and reality-checking those thoughts is helpful.
To avoid disappointment, consider following up and holding people accountable. If I need the laundry to be done by the end of the day, I will check up on the progress that has been made to make sure they are on track. If not, we problem-solve.
And lastly, praise the efforts, not just the results. If my husband did the dishes but put things in the wrong place, it wouldn't be fair to get mad at him. We may want to chat about kitchen efficiency, but I assume people are doing their best, and at least I didn't have to do them. Since everyone finds safety in being liked, others often feel pleased when they've helped us out, and it makes us happy!
The Benefits of Sharing the Work
It's actually a strength to be able to ask for help. When I was leading a nonprofit charity, someone told me to limit the amount of time I spent doing things that were "below my pay grade." What they meant by that is that if I was spending a lot of time answering phones or cleaning the floors, I could hire someone for $20 an hour to do that. I make more than $20 per hour, so I needed to spend my time doing the things only I could do, like hiring staff, writing policies and procedures, forming relationships with other nonprofits, going to board meetings, and reconciling grants.
I let go of the guilt when I thought about tasks that way. This philosophy puts things into perspective at home, too. I could get my kids to load the dishwasher or sweep the floor while I planned the next week's meals.
When we get help from others, we end up having more time and energy for things that really matter to us, like getting to bed on time, reading to our kids before bed, having hobbies, seeing friends, and taking care of ourselves. Everyone wins when we share the work, and it will make us feel more connected, too!
If you found this article helpful, read these next:
