The Role of Shame in Overwhelm: How to Build Resilience
Many years ago, I went to a community leaders' meeting for a project the non-profit sector was working on called the Community Mental Health Action Plan. Even though we met every month for years, I was starting to feel exhausted and frustrated by the lack of progress. However, I did feel like we were moving forward and, at the very least, learning to work together as a community, so I kept showing up.
One day, we were working in small groups on a topic, and I started talking about the issue of the day with a lot of passion. Then I said, “It’s so crazy.” The leader of a large, well-respected non-profit turned to me and said, “Please don’t use words like ‘crazy.’ It’s stigmatizing language.”
I was in shock and confused, and I immediately felt shame. It was an awful moment, and I felt humiliated in front of a group of peers.
I wondered what this woman’s intention was and if it was to put me in my place or make herself sound smart. Regardless, I wasn't happy about it, and from that moment on, I no longer had warm feelings for this woman and questioned if I wanted to continue helping with the Action Plan.
In the past, this experience would have reinforced my imposter syndrome thoughts and ramped up my perfectionism and people-pleasing.
Imposter syndrome is when you think that you're not talented, smart, or educated enough to have a seat at the table or be successful.
Perfectionism is the idea that if we work, look, and behave perfectly, then we can avoid shame, blame, and criticism.
People pleasing is a way that we try to keep ourselves safe by behaving in ways that we think will make others like us.
All of these ideas lead to overwhelm because we're trying to solve the wrong problem with unhelpful solutions. There's no end to the trying because we'll never get the result we want this way.
These concepts are ineffective at keeping us safe or making us more likable, so let’s get clear on what the problem actually is and what creates more grounded confidence and self-compassion, which are the true antidotes to shame.
To figure out what it was that made me feel shame, I had to write down the story I was telling myself about the situation.
I named all of the conspiracies and confabulations that I was making up and got clear about what was my stuff from the past and what was hurtful from the interaction. I wrote for about half an hour and felt all of the emotions all over again, but it felt good when I was done. I didn’t share it with anyone and instead ripped up the paper.
I then asked myself, what more do I need to learn and understand about the situation, the other people in the story, and myself?
It was an interesting exercise.
Then, I got clear about the shame I was feeling. We all have shame triggers, which we can find by asking, “How do I not want to be perceived?” The most common shame trigger at work is the fear of irrelevance.
At the same time, I’ve also found that folks, myself included, feel intense shame around looking incompetent or unprofessional in front of our peers. That’s what I think was going on for me that day.
I definitely had a story that I was purposely being called out so that the non-profit leader could feel superior or make me look bad. While this may be true, I like to make generous assumptions about people, assuming that they're doing the best they can with the skills, abilities, and resources that they have available at the time.
So, other options could be that she was making it her mission to bring awareness to stigmatizing language (I did hear her say something similar to someone else at a later date), and that possibly other people didn't think poorly of me, but were also educated about how we use stigmatizing terms every day without thinking about it. Another option is that other people also thought that the woman was out of line in how she addressed her concern, and maybe even other people didn’t think anything about it.
“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” Brené Brown
Once I was clear about the story I was telling myself, which was that I felt horrible, like I did something wrong, that I felt shame and was reprimanded like a child, and that I wanted to lash out and get revenge, I was able to challenge the story and get clear about a more nuanced, balanced one.
I was able to write my own ending to the story, one that aligns with integrity, my value of authenticity, and grounded confidence, plus a hefty dose of self-compassion.
My new story is that this woman was likely trying to create awareness with less than optimal skills to do so. Also, I don’t have to feel bad for using language that has been common for my whole life. This could be an opportunity to be more aware of areas I could learn and grow, and it’s possible that people don’t think badly of me and might even feel for me.
I certainly am not going to shame myself for not knowing something, and this experience has also impacted my trust in this woman. Moving forward, I decided to continue being kind to her, but I set a boundary on my expectations and trust of her, and I proceeded carefully in future interactions..
Had I felt it would be productive, I would have pulled her aside like I wish she had done with me and talked to her about the impact her actions had on me and possibly what her intentions were. However, there had been enough previous interactions that factored into my decision not to be vulnerable with her.
What I did do was come up with something to say the next time this happened. I decided to say something like, “That’s a really good point, but I’m not sure if calling people out in this manner is helpful. Would you like to create a presentation for this group on this topic? Then we can all learn together instead of being singled out.”
There are always going to be critics in this world, and sometimes our own critical voice can be the loudest.
Don't believe the first thoughts your brain offers you.
Your brain is only trying to keep you safe, but it's often not very helpful. In this case, my brain initially said that she was right and that I was clearly in the wrong.
Instead:
Work with your thoughts and get clear about the story you're making up.
Lean into your grounded confidence and your knowledge that you are a good person worthy of love and belonging.
Acknowledge that you're imperfect and perfectly lovable.
Cultivate self-compassion because when we do make mistakes, it’s easy to shame ourselves.
And finally, remember that mistakes are learning opportunities, and you don’t get further in life by not trying. You get ahead by taking risks and experimenting with things, which comes with rewards but also failures that are lessons.
Mistakes are only true failures when you don’t learn anything and keep repeating them. Growing through our mistakes is the key to resilience!
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