Embracing Vulnerability: The Courage to Be Imperfect
What do you think of when you hear the word “vulnerable”?
Do you imagine being naked in public?
Do you think of crying?
Does it remind you of that friend who always overshares?
The word “vulnerable” is up there with “shame” as a word that people don’t like.
And yet, vulnerability is the key to unlocking the courage we need to do all the great things we want to do in life!
I feel immense vulnerability when I ask people for feedback. Our biggest fear in life is that we won’t be liked for who we are, and asking for feedback opens us up to criticism on purpose! When we practice giving and receiving feedback in my Dare to Lead training workshops, I often have to walk through the process of giving feedback first because we're just as afraid to tell someone what they could improve on as we receive that information.
I remember the first time we told our parents that we wouldn't spend Easter with them and that we had other plans. I felt vulnerable because I anticipated they would be upset and mad at me for the rest of their lives. Just like when I gave my colleague feedback, I noticed that they were not doing their job the way we had discussed them doing it and that she needed to address this. I was worried she would get mad, hate me, and quit.
According to Brené Brown, the definition of vulnerability is feeling uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
When we’re afraid to be vulnerable, we’re then also afraid to be brave.
Can you think of a time when you’ve been brave and not felt vulnerable? When you learned to ride a bike, or did anything new for that matter, did it feel amazing right from the get-go, or did you feel like pooping your pants?
When the fear of getting emotionally hurt keeps us from having hard conversations with people we care about, we end up stuffing down and pushing aside our true feelings. We end up “sucking it up” or “getting over it” in order to get along. Over time, this leads to anger, resentment, and feeling overwhelmed.
The key is to use vulnerability to be brave and afraid at the same time and use self-compassion to talk ourselves through it.
We need to identify our feelings, set boundaries, and ask for what we need to be mentally healthy. This requires us to have more hard conversations, not less. This may make us feel discomfort, but we can’t escape it.
We can either feel uncomfortable and ignore our thoughts and feelings, which is unproductive, or we can use our discomfort to improve things by opening up.
The result is that we foster connection with the people we care about because we’re letting them into our inner world. We enlist their help and call on them to be vulnerable as well. It’s a much less lonely world when we can share our feelings and ask for help. People won’t always be able or willing to show up for us, but simply having the conversation can make us feel better.
We'll also start addressing things that are bothering us. Our brains tell us that if we ignore things, they'll just go away. How has that worked for you? Things usually get worse. Therefore, getting faster at addressing things can make our lives WAY better.
I’ve seen this work in my own life because I bring up my feelings with people right away when I’m frustrated instead of ignoring them and letting things fester. I’ve gotten better and faster at identifying how I’m feeling, asking for clarification (to make sure I got the story right), and then setting boundaries in a clear and kind way. I used to bottle things up, and the anger and frustration would erode my relationships. I now build trust with other people and myself because nothing goes unsaid.
People can trust that if I have an issue, I’ll discuss it, and they can do the same with me.
When we’re open to vulnerability, we’re also willing to make mistakes and be wrong. We no longer need to be defensive because when we have grounded confidence, we decide that we are worthy of love and belonging just as we are. We don’t need to prove our worth or hustle for it, so making mistakes is just something we do. It doesn’t define who we are. And besides, everyone makes mistakes! : )
Overwhelm happens when we think that we have too much on our plate to manage. The ability to tap into our vulnerability allows us to feel our feelings, ask for help, make good choices about how to spend our time, and set boundaries. These things decrease the feeling of being overwhelmed and improve our ability to handle what life throws at us
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