Mastering Boundaries As the Key to Overcoming Overwhelm
Boundaries are a hot topic that every psychologist talks to their clients about.
Many of my one-on-one clients tell me that they think they should have strong boundaries and are quite hard on themselves when they notice boundaries getting fuzzy. However, it's not their fault if they're not good at them (same goes for you, too).
Let's look at why boundaries might be challenging and what to do about it.
We were raised and educated in a system that expects compliance. We were generally not allowed to express our opinions to parents or teachers and were punished if we did.
There is a time and place for parents and teachers to have expectations and for kids to accept influence. In past generations, however, that was the only option, and children were seen as disrespectful if they disagreed. We now know that high expectations, holding children accountable, and consideration of their thoughts and feelings have the best outcomes.
Unfortunately, many of us were left with the lasting impact of being silenced.
We learned that other people's comfort was more important than our own and that there were consequences to making other people upset. Now, we know that our well-being is just as important as other people's and that we're not responsible for other people's feelings. As adults, we can learn the skills we didn't get when we were younger.
Setting Boundaries With Others
Boundaries are essentially about what's okay and what's not okay.
This process requires us to become very self-aware and pay attention to our thoughts about other people's requests and actions.
What would you do if your boss yelled at you?
What would you say if someone asked to host a party at your house? It's even harder when the ask is tempting, like being asked to take a prestigious but time-consuming job. Notice the feelings that come up. Is resentment one of them? Or anger?
When we're taught that we don't deserve to have an opinion or feelings, many people feel they deserve bad treatment and don't express their anger or notice resentment.
You deserve to be outraged when someone treats you poorly, and your experience is just as important as everyone else's. Especially when you feel resentment, practice saying "no" and then only change your mind if you really feel excited about the opportunity. If someone treats you in ways you don't like, you can say something like, "I appreciate you're upset, but please don't yell at me."
The Forgotten Second Step in Boundary-Setting
The second step in boundary setting is action. Most people forget to take this essential step. After you identify your feelings and make a request, it's time to take action. If someone yells at you, you can hang up the phone or leave the room. They are welcome to continue the conversation when they're calm.
It seems simple when we're working with kids. For example, if a child yells at you, it's not hard to imagine asking them to stop and cease the conversation until they are calm. We have the skills, and now we can use them with the adults in our lives. We often think that we should not have to hold adults accountable because they should know better.
While this is true, even adults are human beings who make mistakes and haven't learned boundaries. We all have preferences about how we want to be treated. Even though it may seem like a lot of work, consistently setting boundaries is important because we teach people how to treat us.
Don't wait until you're completely fed up to start a fight about boundaries. Clear is kind, and telling someone that you'd like them to show up on time the first or second time they are late, and not making plans with them when showing up on time is important, is much better than ending a friendship when you've hit your limit. I tell certain people in my life that our reservations are 30 minutes before they actually are so that I don't get stressed about showing up on time.
"The most generous people in the world have the best boundaries." Brené Brown
We can be the most generous and give the most because we are taking care of ourselves while taking care of other people. It's the only sustainable way to be generous without diving head first into the resentment, overwhelm, burnout river of misery.
"Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can't connect with someone unless we're clear about where we end and they begin. If there's no autonomy between people, then there's no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment." Brené Brow
When we think we can control other people's thoughts, feelings, and actions, we can make ourselves anxious trying to manipulate people. Then we get angry when they don't do what we think they should. It can turn into a never-ending cycle.
It's very freeing to recognize that we can do everything we know to do, which is in our control, and then let go of the outcome and allow others to make their own decisions.
We often want to control people and situations because we want to avoid suffering when we watch other people struggle.
The key is to be okay with emotions and to recognize that struggle and suffering are okay and optional. It may be a lot of work to exercise consistently, but we can choose to have fun with it, or we can choose to make it a chore. Our thoughts are optional, even when our brain offers distressing thoughts at first. With awareness and practice, we can increase our emotional toughness and resilience.
Steps To Create Boundaries Without Guilt or Conflict.
So, can you create boundaries while feeling completely guilt-free? The short answer is you can't. The long answer is that you don't have to have mental drama, guilt, or conflict. What the other person thinks or feels is up to them.
Look at it this way: When you ask someone to do something, like pick up your dry cleaning, and they say yes but feel stressed out, resentful, and ultimately angry with you, does that sit well with you? What about if they said, "I'd love to help you out, but I just don't have time today?" Or a simple "I wish I could, but I can't," or even "no" as a complete sentence?
The people who protest the strongest are the people who don't consider your feelings. You can worry about it or not, as in a situation where your child doesn't like hearing "no," or you can use this information to inform what kind of relationship you want with this person if they are a friend or family member.
Even though I may be disappointed, I would much rather hear someone tell me they are not able to do something than over-extend themselves to comply with my request. The reality is that other people do not know everything about your life or feelings, so a request is just that, and it is up to us to be honest about our wishes and desires.
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