The Key Difference Between Perfectionism and Healthy Striving
Have you ever been invited out for dinner to a fancy restaurant and had the hardest time finding something to wear that you think looks good? Perhaps you change into a few different outfits, worried about what your belly looks like, or your arms or butt, or the pimple on your shoulder. Before long, you start running out of time to get ready because you can’t decide what “looks good,” determine you need to start exercising, and also decide you need to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Many of us have had some version of this scenario happen to us.
So why do women take so long to decide what to wear?
This happens because research tells us that body shame is women’s number one shame trigger. And we live in a world where we think that we have to be flawless to be loved. We want to be loved and belong more than anything else in the world, which is the motivation for our behavior. This is how we're built as humans.
Now, there's nothing wrong with striving to do and be your best. The problem is that we're mean to ourselves when we can’t live up to an unattainable standard.
The game is rigged, and it’s not fair to hold ourselves to an unrealistic idea of perfection.
Here's the key difference between perfectionism and healthy striving:
Perfectionism: Having unrealistic standards and a fear of making mistakes.
Healthy Striving: Aspiring for growth and improvement while accepting imperfections.
Perfectionism tells us that when we don’t conform to society’s idea of who and what we should be, we should feel shame and change. Healthy striving includes compassion for ourselves and is okay with us not looking the same way we did when we were 17 years old — and is fine with a pimple or a few grey hairs.
There's compassion for what our body does for us and what it has been through, and we love it no matter its shape, size, or color. Perfectionism says that we should look like a 17-year-old in our fifties, and we need to crash diet, exercise excessively, and get surgery to make it look like we haven’t lived a life. Healthy striving tells us to honor and take care of our bodies, eat nutritious food, and move in ways that feel good, not because we hate how we look but because we love ourselves, our lives, and our ability to be active.
Perfectionism leads to overwhelm because we're giving ourselves tasks that we can never achieve.
Our results are never good enough, so we never feel good enough. Even if we happen to reach our goal, perfectionism doesn't let us stop and enjoy our success. Perfectionism keeps moving the target, and we have to start all over again.
Perfectionism can also lead to procrastination because it tells us that if we can’t do something perfectly, then we shouldn’t even attempt it.
Healthy striving allows us to set goals that nurture us and are in our best interests. We get to enjoy the journey of learning and growing, making mistakes, and being okay with it. We can celebrate small successes and without fearing that acknowledging progress will cause us to take our foot off the gas. We get to try new things and look foolish and have fun trying.
Recovering from perfectionism requires us to break tasks down into small, manageable steps. Compassion helps to calm the critical voice, especially when we say things like “I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances” or “I don’t need to be perfect to be loved.” When things don’t go as planned, perfectionism can tell us that we’re failures. That’s a lie, and the truth is that we're not psychics, and we can learn from the experience or change our minds when we get more information.
Maybe we aren’t meant to be good at a new skill. Many things take practice, and that process can be fun. Do you remember learning to ride a bike? No one gets on a two-wheeler and rides away. It’s wobbly, it’s awkward, and it takes persistence to keep trying until you get it.
Life is much more fun now that I've learned to talk back to perfectionism. I’m easier on myself and the people around me. I laugh at mistakes and do things because I want to, not because I think I should. I don’t hold my family and friends to impossible standards that no one can reach. I’m able to love them unconditionally and also encourage them to do their best.
Perfectionism tries to protect us by telling us that if we do everything perfectly, we can avoid shame, blame, and criticism.
The reality is that we don’t control what other people think of us, and what’s most important is how we feel about ourselves. Self-compassion is the antidote to perfectionism and will make your experience of life a lot more fun. Overwhelming yourself with “shoulds” leads to distress and shame. Self-compassion and healthy striving lead to even more possibilities because you can achieve your best without dragging the heavy weight of the shame that comes with taking perfectionism along for the ride!
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