The Myth of “Having It All”: Redefining Success for Working Moms
Let’s have an honest conversation about a myth that’s been running us ragged for decades — the idea that we can “have it all.”
I believe that women can live the life they’ve always dreamed of, but it means making really discerning choices about how we spend our limited resources of time and energy.
I know what it’s like. There was a time when I thought I needed to be Martha Stewart (pre-jail) in the home, mom of the year, the glue that keeps the family together, a boss in the boardroom, and the best friend, all while looking amazing and keeping a smile on my face.
Spoiler alert: it didn’t work out well for me. In fact, it doesn’t seem to be working out very well for any of us. I talk to women every day who are working more hours than they were hired for and not finding satisfaction with their families, marriages, or themselves.
It’s time to call out the unrealistic expectations and redefine success in a way that actually serves us.
Society’s expectations create impossible standards. The “having it all” myth evolved over time and was handed down to us.
Times used to be different. Many of our grandmothers didn't have the opportunity to get a post-secondary education. In fact, my grandmother only had an eighth-grade education before she upgraded later in life and became a teacher. In my mom’s generation, there were three “acceptable” careers for women: secretary, teacher, or nurse. Many of my mom's friends didn’t work outside of the home.
I felt like all options were open to me, but there were still barriers. For example, there were no women in my husband’s engineering class. In previous generations, many women stayed home and cared for the children, and the man brought home the bacon and had dinner waiting for him. Going back even further, we had a village where we communally raised children, cooked, and cleaned while the men went out and hunted. Everyone pitched in and did what they could.
Women are now being offered many opportunities, but the roles we're expected to fulfill have not evolved, and we're trying to do it all by ourselves.
These days, women I talk to feel the pressure from social media, our culture, and social conditioning, which has shaped a narrative that women need to do everything and make it look effortless.
We’re expected to work hard but not neglect our relationships.
We’re expected to get educated, get married, and have children before we’re 30.
We need to look thin but not spend all our time at the gym or limit what we eat.
This is the double bind: be a present mom and an ambitious career woman and do both flawlessly.
There's a cost to doing it all, and it takes a toll on us emotionally and physically. We end up feeling shame and guilt no matter what we prioritize. We feel guilty for ducking out of work early to attend a school play and when we answer work messages during family dinners.
It doesn’t seem to matter what we prioritize — there’s no way to make everyone happy. Then, there’s the mental exhaustion of trying to achieve perfection. Even when we achieve our goals, we don’t stop to celebrate — and we just move the bar higher. Perfectionism has an ever-moving target.
Where in your life are you chasing an expectation that wasn’t even yours to begin with? Whose is it?
It’s time to shift from external validation to personal alignment. When we’re aware of our values and priorities, likes and dislikes, we can create a life that truly satisfies us. Move from asking yourself, “What do they expect of me?” to asking, “What do I expect of myself?”
Can you become consciously aware of whose approval you’re actually seeking?
Do you even like or respect that person?
Are they someone who has earned your trust?
Creating a life that serves you requires you to be brave and set boundaries. People often ask me how to set boundaries without guilt, and I don’t think it’s possible. However, we can reframe the story we tell ourselves. We think that people are going to be upset, but there are times when we say no, and other people have no feelings about it. We also put high expectations on ourselves, and sometimes, others don’t even notice or care when we change.
We’re afraid of making people mad and being rejected, but usually, our brain offers us the worst-case scenario and it’s not based in reality. People are allowed to have feelings when things change, but it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t change. And if someone has benefitted by us not having boundaries and decided they can’t be in a relationship when we do, then it was likely a one-sided relationship. Asking for what we need feels vulnerable because we often get our worth from what we can do for others. Grounded confidence allows us to be honest and authentic with our partners, colleagues, friends, and kids. When we uphold unrealistic expectations, we perpetuate the problem. When we embrace authenticity, we encourage other people to be authentic, too.
Comparing ourselves and our lives to other people’s is a losing game. It's important to monitor our consumption of social media, especially in this day and age, where we see people’s edited lives, not their real lives. Another good trick is to switch the thought in your head from “I wish I had that/I should have that” (envy) to “good for them, that’s cool.” (love).
Research tells us that social connections, being able to contribute in a meaningful way, and self-compassion trump “having it all.”
Try saying “no” to one thing this week that doesn’t align with what actually matters to you.
Build a definition of success that feels fulfilling. Society tells us that doing things and having things will bring us happiness, but it’s actually our thoughts that create happiness. We can still have scarcity thoughts even when we have all the money and things in the world. Instead of trying to do and be everything, try doing what matters most. We have a finite amount of time and energy, and our true fulfillment comes from making good choices about how we use these resources.
When we prioritize ourselves, we start to trust that we will take care of ourselves, and we stop looking for other people to make us feel happy (which they can’t actually do because our thoughts create our feelings).
The best antidote for shame, guilt, and perfectionism is self-compassion. We often think that we need to be mean to ourselves as motivation to do better. Let’s face it: we were often criticized and shamed as kids, so why wouldn’t we think that would work? The truth is that high achievers who are hard on themselves achieve despite being mean to themselves, not because of it. Imagine what we could do if we were kind to ourselves.
Criticism is actually de-motivating. Think of the last time you felt criticized. Did you feel energized or defeated? We need to make self-compassion a requirement for ourselves so that when things don’t go as planned, we're ok, learn from the experience, and move on.
It's time to stop getting our worth from what we produce and shift our criteria to feeling good enough just because we exist. You don’t have to prove your worth. Having grounded confidence helps us realize that we’re worthy of love and belonging just as we are. Think about what success means to you. When I act in alignment with my values, I truly feel successful. When I spend most of my effort and energy on people and projects that mean the most to me, I feel successful, and this makes me happy. Give yourself permission to embrace authenticity!
The people who care about you want the best for you, just like we want the best for the people we love. Have the courage to explore your ideal life and see what small changes you can make to start moving in that direction today.
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