Understanding People-Pleasing: Why We Say Yes When We Mean No

What do you think of when you hear the term "people-pleaser"?

Would you like to be called a people-pleaser? 

It makes me think of someone who lacks confidence and is basically a doormat. 

However, many of us are people-pleasers. Here's a Test: You're asked to bring cookies to work tomorrow for National Employee Awareness Day. You have plans to go to the gym and meet friends for dinner, but you would have to skip the gym or stay up late if you were to bake cookies. What do you say?

The old me would not have even taken the time to think about it. I would have said, "No problem, how many would you like? Can I make some special complicated types?" I would have easily given up the gym, sleep, or both and gone above and beyond to win people's affection. 

It's essential to choose to be valued for who we are rather than for what we can offer or do for others.

A paradox of life is that trying to please people doesn't create a genuine connection. True connection comes from authenticity, grounded confidence, and believing that you can be loved just as you are. There are no conditions where you have to hustle for your worthiness.

Also, it's important to consider WHO we're trying to please. Our brains tell us we need to please everyone in the world, but many people can't be pleased. Additionally, do we actually like and respect everyone, and do we really care about what they think? 

Sometimes, people-pleasers steamroll over people who are important to them to please people that they neither like nor respect. 

It's important to consciously think about who's opinion matters to us. Can you name five people whose opinions you really care about? Is your name on the list?

Our primitive brain thinks that everyone needs to approve of us or else we will be ostracized and die hungry and alone. The truth is that this is no longer the case (we are not cavepeople), and we can let go of the idea that everyone needs to like us. Besides, do you like everyone in the world?

Instead of thinking, "I can't say no" (guilt) or "Why do people keep asking me to do things? Can't they see I'm busy?" (resentment), it can be helpful to think things like, "My time and energy are important resources and need to be protected," "I'm just as important as other people," "I'm not the only one who can pitch in," "saying yes and feeling resentment is not helpful for anyone" "I wouldn't want someone to say yes to me if they don't really want to do something."

It feels good to help out and make people happy, but this should not come at the expense of our health and well-being. 

Sometimes, people don't even need to ask us for things for us to be people pleasers. 

Our brain is very imaginative and can generate all sorts of ideas and ways that we can make people happy. Has someone ever asked you for something, and you "go the extra mile?" Has someone asked you to drive their car home, and you stop at the carwash on the way, even when you don't have time? Have you ever folded someone else's laundry when you take it out of the dryer, even though you have a thousand things on your own list that won't get done? 

We don't have to do everything our brains dream up. Because our minds don't consider our physical limitations, we aren't good at being realistic.

Therefore, thank your creative brain for having lots of ideas. It's certainly better to have lots of ideas than none! Then, write your ideas down and prioritize them. Are there some you can automatically cross off the list? Are there some you think you "should" do but don't want to? Are there some that would make you feel resentful? 

Resentment is a great indication that you need to set a boundary.

Some people go above and beyond to please because it's part of their identity. They think, "I'm someone who always shows up." 

Do you show up even when you don't want to or don't have time? On the flip side, do these folks show up for you? Is the relationship one-sided? Whether it's for your neighbours or your children, you can't show up if it harms you mentally or physically to do so. That needs to be a non-negotiable. There can be exceptions, but I find that people-pleasers will make everything an exception, which means it's now how things are and how we're operating. If "just this once" happens all the time, then we're fooling ourselves and need to rethink our strategy.

Sometimes, we say yes to things we don't want to because we think it's what our parents, bosses, friends, or society expect from us. 

These "shoulds" take time and energy away from what we really want to be doing and cause us to become tired and frustrated. It's normal for people to want or expect things from us, but we also get to choose how we spend our time. It's time to have a new measure of success because people-pleasing does not ultimately give us the satisfaction or results it promises.

While it's completely human to want to please people, it can lead to us taking on more than we can manage and forego the activities that keep us mentally and physically healthy, like sleep, exercise, nutrition, and socializing. 

Stress and being overwhelmed are inevitable when we do not make good choices about how we spend our time. 

We don't get more than 24 hours in a day, so in order to live a wholehearted life, we need to do more of the things that we love and are important to us and less of the things that would be nice to do but don't actually bring us joy or align with our priorities.

Here's some homework for you:

Say no to everything for one week, and only say yes after you think about a request for 24 hours. 

Ultimately, practicing feeling the discomfort of saying no and the joy of selectively saying yes (and the joy of all of the time you have to do the things you want to do) will make saying "no" less uncomfortable over time. You'll learn to put action behind making yourself just as important as everyone else, and You'll build your confidence and trust that You'll take care of yourself. 

We don't get to avoid discomfort. We either feel it momentarily when we say no to something, or we get to feel it for longer when we're doing things we don't like or don't want to do. Use discomfort to your advantage so that the pain you feel gets you closer to the life you want to live, not further away from it.

If saying no is something you struggle with and it often leads you to feel overwhelmed — join me for the Overwhelm Cure workshop starting in March.